I have recently been informed that this blog needs more cowbell. It got me thinking and I have come to a realization. Not only does this blog need more cowbell, but my life is missing it too. Therefore, I have decided to take a cowbell wherever I go and bang on it relentlessly.

When people tell me to stop or else I’ll “get fired” or “get my ass beat,” I’ll look at them straight in the eye hypnotically and say, “You need more cowbell.” Maybe then they will begin to understand the deeper meaning and internal struggle of the cowbell and the extravagant statement I’m making by banging on it everywhere I go. Well, I can only hope. I know that some people will not see the brilliance in it, and it’s not those people that concern me. The ones with a fever are way more important. They need to realize immediately, that the only prescription is more cowbell. *bangs on cowbell*

Check Bin Laden Calls for More Cowbell and Too Much Cowbell? for more cowbell propaganda.

Yeah, so, um… the boycott of Hurricane Jeanne didn’t go over so well. All of the protesting didn’t work and Jeanne owned Florida pretty bad in the same fashion of Frances. After Ivan, I was submerged into the false sense of security that we infact do have control over hurricanes. Well, my friends, we don’t have control over hurricanes. They are very powerful and we won’t be telling them where to go… they tell us where to go. They will go where ever the hell they please.

With a teary eye and some whiny emo music playing in the background (for my tortured soul), I am announcing my withdraw from leadership of the hurricane boycotts. I have given it plenty of thought. Hell, there isn’t much to do without electricity except for some deep thinking. I’ll just have to sit back and deal with these hurricanes until the season is over, just like everyone else.

Well, I have good news. All the boycotting from Hurricane Ivan worked! People doubted me, sent me hate mail, stole my shrubbery, threw tomatoes at my house and, above all, tried to deflate our resolve. After all of this, our plans of boycotting Ivan worked. We didn’t prepare and over 300 people gathered on the beaches of St. Petersburg, Florida and protested the storm. While it was quite scary, as you can see, Ivan passed us right by only to hit the Florida Panhandle. Let me apologize to the people that received damage from Ivan; we had no idea that we had so much power in determining the path of the storm.

Now it’s Jeanne that want to threaten us with it’s strong, yet mysteriously sexy winds and heavy rain. The devastation will stop here. We are going to boycott this storm as well. I haven’t prepared one bit and don’t plan on doing so. If you would like to join our protest, check the latest hurricane predictions and meet us where the eye will be directly hitting the east of Florida. Our resolve must be strong and diligent! We did not take any shit from Ivan and we will take the same approach for Jeanne! Join us, this is a call to arms!

Recently, on the forums, we have been debating whether or not we would be able to survive a zombie attack. How long do you think you would survive? What would be your weapon of choice? What would you do if you were infected? Here is my reply.

My ideal weapon for slaying / slowing down zombies would be an aluminum baseball bat. That way, when the zombies step, they’ll get a nice smack to the head. I’ll swing the bat so hard, the zombie’s head will explode on contact. The main thing that you would have to watch out for is people that say they aren’t infected, so you trust them, and then they try to bite you a few hours later.

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That’s right, CBS has to pay half of a million dollars ($550,000 to be exact) for their “wardrobe malfunction” during the superbowl. I’m sure it shocked and offended SO many people. After all, who would want their innocent children to see such outlandish and disgraceful things on television. I’m so outraged as well! I couldn’t stop talking about it for months after it happened.

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Oh man, this is great! I’m supposed to keep this confidential per our email conversation, but, I’m way too excited to do that! I received an email from a Mr. Samuel Kouame earlier today. Basically, his father was a very wealthy gold merchant in Accra. He was recently killed during a business trip with his associates (those back stabbers). Luckily, before he actually died, he called my correspondent, Mr. Kouame, and let him know of $7.5 Million and 40 kg of gold that he had in a secret bank account for him!

This is where I come in. I will get at least $1.5 Million dollars of this just for letting Mr. Samuel Kouame use my bank account to transfer the money! That is basically all I have to do. I just forwarded Mr. Samuel Kouame my bank account number with pin number, my social security number and a copy of my license and birth certificate just to make sure that everything goes along without a hitch. Thank god for the internet. I would have never received such a great opportunity!

Note: This is a joke and if you receive an email like this, it is a scam.

Tom is your average teenager. He works long hours at the local grocery, attends high school, and parties regularly. Recently, Tom has discovered how tired he has been lately. He strenuously pushes himself everyday to find time for everything. One night Tom attends a party; he notices everyone is taking pills. Being an adventurous person, he approaches one of his friends for the pill. He ends up taking two doses of the horrendous drug. After an hour, Tom becomes eccentric, happy-go-lucky, and has developed a lot of energy. Half of the people at the party have taken this pill. They did not take ecstasy, acid or even muscle relaxers. They are not smoking pot, crack, or huffing Glade; they are consuming the latest drug on the market. The kids are calling it “The Big G.” The cool kinds in school are taking, using, and abusing it to no end. Tom took 200mg of the latest stuff, Panax pseudoginseng, or better know to the public as Ginseng.

People are always looking for the newest pick-me-up, whether it is coffee, caffeine pills, or even crack/cocaine. The general population of America is now consuming herbs at an alarming rate. Herbs are defined as any plant or plant part that has medical properties. Herb usage has skyrocketed in the last few years; all over America people are taking it for recreational and experimental use. Some commonly found herbs in consumption today are Ginseng and Ginkgo.

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I have been very tired lately, especially today, running on 2 hours of sleep. I’m sure that I am not the only one that gets tired. Making such a statement would be irresponsible and quite ridiculous. We need a remedy for this, and quickly. Wait, here comes another brilliant idea brought to you by Blue Damage! How about “Sleep in a Bottle.” Yes!

For each pill that you will take, it is equivalent to 8 hours of sleep. I’m not talking about caffeine pills. I mean the real deal sleep that we need for our bodies to function. Think about how much more we would accomplish without sleep. The economy would be better, people would probably be nicer and more productive and, most importantly, I wouldn’t be tired.

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