In a turn of events that shocked both the right and the left, Nader swept the presidential ballot like those neat Swiffer Sweepers that shoot that cleaning solution. Those things are fricking great. It was a landslide victory, with Nader taking almost 80% of the votes nationwide. Nader even took Texas. “I had no idea I could win this election. I mean, I don’t even have a plan for what I’m going to do as president,” Nader chuckled. “I have a few good ideas, but, that’s about it right now.”

Apparently, by the outcome of this election, Americans are sick and tired of having to choose between two evil parties that are both detrimental to the very essence of our country. They are sick of being sold out by corporate interests and the corruption that comes with greed in the Republican and Democratic parties. Seriously.

In a press conference today, George Bush apparently fell off the wagon. “Who the hell is that guy anyway?” stated George Bush. “God is on MY SIDE! My Daddy says so!” he screamed to the press. “Why does that tall, wrinkly man get to be president and not me? He doesn’t have any resolve! Terrorism, terrorism, terrorism! Nine eleven, nine eleven, nine eleven!” Bush then ran off stage crying and threw a tantrum to his father. “Dick Cheney vowed to kill more puppies if Nader was sworn in,” political correspondant Gene Shallon told us. “But, to be honest, I think he has been secretly killing puppies for a long time now. Look at these graphs.” We wish could have gotten a scan of the graphs, the graphs were extremely interesting.

What will the future bring with Nader in office? Some people are saying that he will be tackling real issues like portable safety belts, enviromental friendly plastic, installing airbags in endangered species and, most importantly, rubbing in everyone elses face his victory.