As Michael Richards effortlessly slips into his size 31 pants that he purchased at the pants store, he begins to feel the depression and agitation. “I miss being a fat ass,” he murmurs. Michael, fresh off the Atkins diet, lost over 100+ pounds in the last year. Although he should feel excited and proud of his accomplishment, he still can’t seem to shake off the respectable feeling of being obese.

“Bollocks! I despise being skinny. I miss eating 3 McDonalds double cheeseburgers in a row and finishing it off with a large chocolate milkshake. I have no energy anymore, I’m always working out, being active or watching what I eat,” Michael pants. “I miss the days when I used to eat so vigorously that sweat beads form on my upper lip. Yeah, I was good at eating. It was the only thing I truly excelled at besides Dungeons and Dragons,” he reminisces. “I feel like I might just snap one day, you know, go on an eating binge until I can’t eat anymore. That would be lovely.”

There are also other obese oddities that Michael misses. “I miss my huge gut. Bryan the Belligerent Beer Belly was his name. I could rest things on it and rub it for good luck whenever I wanted. I don’t like seeing my penis or feet either,” Michael confided. “See, I don’t admire people that sell out like Jared Fogle, that annoying Subway guy, I admire people like Michael Moore who aren’t afraid to just be fat as hell.”