Another Bin Laden propaganda tape was released today to the world. There are apparently many things that have changed in the last few months with Bin Laden. The reason for Jihad is one of them. "Well, it loosely translates to we need more cowbell," said interpreter Gene Shalls after analyzing the new tape. Translators and our team of investigators have been working around the clock trying to find the cowbell connection. It appears that Bin Laden has abandoned his hatred for the West and channeled it into love for cowbell.

The new video is leaving many insurgents confused and strangely aroused. Apparently, in the Koran, a cowbell symbolizes male fertility, or at least that's what our investigators have found out. Already, across the Middle East, cowbell demand has gone up close to 1029%! That's a lot of cowbell. The caves in Afghanistan will certainly be reverberating with the most pleasant sounding musical instrument ever, that we can be thankful for.

Cats are the coolest pets of them all. Why you ask? Here's how it is. If each pet's personality matched the intoxication effects of a drug, dogs would be drunk, birds would be stoned, snakes would be on PCP, but cats are on acid. Cats will sit there and stare at a wall for hours. They way that they hunt their prey is awesome, whether it be a bird or a crumpled up piece of paper. It is very intriguing. Their eyes are hypnotizing.

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After the wonderfully successful tutorial on how to backup the internet, we decided to write an equally important tutorial on how to ping everyone on the internets.

Sure, you are surfing online without any problems now, but, just how do you know that you will be able to connect to every site on the internets? How can you be so sure in your ISP? One of the other great uses of the Windows command prompt is pinging everyone. That is, you can ping every site online to make sure you will be able to connect to it in the future, just in case.

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It must suck to be a rat, knowing that they are basically a bushy tail away from being hand fed delicious treats in the park by fat people. After years of being treated like a diseased rodent, one rat decided to take things in his own hands. Well, actually, they aren't really hands because rats lack the opposable thumb. In any case, Ronald Edwards, a 15 month old rat has undergone surgery to replace his skinny tail synonymous with rats for the bushy life.

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In a shocking move [not shocker], Paris Hilton came clean today and announced a heartfelt apology for her overall skankiness. In front of the Hilton headquarters, she made her revelation in front of a large group of awestruck new reporters. Luckily, Blue Damage was able to meet up with Paris after her speech to get a closer idea of what went wrong with acting like a slut and degrading our human race.

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Steve Widdle, former front man for the hardcore emo band "Forgive All the Blood," died last week of undisclosed causes. Authorities would not release any information regarding his death. However, our team of investigators have found evidence that this wasn't related to disease, badgers or even an accident; it was caused by being too Emo. We interviewed a couple of his close friends to find out more.

"At first, it was just a little bit of Dashboard Confessional here and there," says his best friend / bassist Tom Ronalds. "You know, he was just about the music and having fun." Tom told us that things quickly got out of hand right before his eyes.

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