In a shocking move [not shocker], Paris Hilton came clean today and announced a heartfelt apology for her overall skankiness. In front of the Hilton headquarters, she made her revelation in front of a large group of awestruck new reporters. Luckily, Blue Damage was able to meet up with Paris after her speech to get a closer idea of what went wrong with acting like a slut and degrading our human race.

"Well, first off, I couldn't figure out why I made those sex tapes. I have been pondering over it and I suppose I did it because my parents gave me everything except for love," Paris told us. Yes, Paris Hilton used the word pondering. Quite shocking indeed. "I started to feel even worse when I realized that young girls look up to me all over the world... well, at least from America. I didn't want a generation of whiny, prissy, spoiled, slutty girls to be my fault, that's why I'm coming clean."

Paris Hilton, we think you have done the right thing and we applaud your courage to stand up for what's right. Stay tuned for next week when we investigate monkeys flying out my ass.