It must suck to be a rat, knowing that they are basically a bushy tail away from being hand fed delicious treats in the park by fat people. After years of being treated like a diseased rodent, one rat decided to take things in his own hands. Well, actually, they aren’t really hands because rats lack the opposable thumb. In any case, Ronald Edwards, a 15 month old rat has undergone surgery to replace his skinny tail synonymous with rats for the bushy life.

“I was just sick and tired of being treated like crap. Anytime I would go into a building, everyone would try to have me killed. Luckily, I’m quite quick and crafty at escaping. I’m like the fucking McGuyver of this rat shit,” Ronald told us. “I decided to undergo an experimental procedure in which they replace my tail for the tail of a squirrel. No more hiding, no more running, no more rat traps. Just the good life from now on.”

Ronald’s tail is healing quickly. Doctor Quincy Jonas told us that he should be 100% in another week, just 2 weeks after his initial surgery. Dr. Jonas told us, “It’s truly a great procedure; it really lifts the spirit of these rats. We are in talks with Fox to start a reality TV show, but, this is all just in the beginning stages now.” While this is a very new procedure, it is catching on very quickly. Dr. Jonas has over 30 appointments lined up for just next week, all first time consultations on the surgery. He said, “The hardest part is finding the squirrel tails. It’s not like they grow on trees. So we don’t have to kill anymore squirrels, we are going to make it BYOT (bring your own tail) from now on.”