If the resurrection of Jesus Christ should bring anything to mind, it's definitely fattening candy and coloring Easter eggs with hideous pastel colors. Some families afterwards even "hide" the Easter eggs in a ritual similar to the Jewish tradition of firing at spinning dreidels with sniper rifles. This Easter may not be so great for those expecting a nice visit from the Easter Bunny. He's on strike this year and he's sick of your whining.

"I just really need a year off, I'm sick of this job. I've sold my soul to the corporate world for what again? Misplaced fame?" said the Easter Bunny. The Easter Bunny told us his constantly increasing prescription of Prozac and Xanax isn't helping at all and it's interfering with his alcoholism. He pulled out a Virginia Slim from his pack and held it in his noticeable shaky hand for a few seconds before lighting it.

"Easter eggs? What the shit? Since when do bunnies lay eggs anyway? I want to meet the ad wizard from the egg industry that came up with this idea," he said. "Who do you pay off for something like that, the Catholic Church? Why couldn't they use another animal? How about a llama... or an Emu! The Easter Emu, that has a nice ring to it... and they lay eggs! And no, for fucks sake I don't know Santa Claus! Stop judging me!" he screamed as he hopped off.

It's quite obvious that the Easter Bunny needs to relax a bit, maybe start some sort of exercise regiment to release all of that built up stress. The chocolate company Russell Stover is responding to the news by offering chocolate crosses, some with Jesus hanging on the cross. They are available in a low carb version for people conscientious about their figure. The Pope has reminded Catholics that this is not a substitute for the Holy Communion.

This year, the Easter Bunny wouldn't have been able to deliver treats to every house anyway. This was verified by copies of restraining orders and felony charges for voyeurism that the Blue Damage investigators were able to uncover. Also, his new outfit adopted the previous year isn't exactly receiving good vibes from children, but they still ate the candy.

Jesus Christ was unavailable for comment.