Killer Trees of Wyoming
Hundreds of thousands of years of mediation and a few late night viewings of the Matrix have given the Ancient Trees of Wyoming’s Yellowstone National Park an epiphany. They don’t have to be flammable if they just believe in themselves. It seems that the controlled burns that were thought to help the forest ecosystem actually really pissed them off. Their cruel calculated revenge overwhelmed the unsuspecting park rangers and fat tourists wearing neon fanny packs.
It took only two hours for the state to be closed off and in complete arboreal control. All of Wyoming’s native residents were killed after their house plants turned them in. Over 3,000 tourists, both American and other, are currently being held hostage in the Tree’s fortified “Death Zone” awaiting the payment of the fanatical flora’s demands.
It seems they want all of the trees around the world to evolve just as they have and overthrow all regional governments of the planets in order to create a utopian society based on natural law and the killing of all humans. The investigating staff here at Blue Damage would like take this chance to remind our new “non-flammable” tree uber-lords that we are an entirely internet based publication and have never made use of any tree flesh products.
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This proves my theory that ents are real, and that J.R.R. Tolkien brought them here through a portal from another universe that he found in the toilet of his guest bathroom.
Comment by Trevor — 7/11/05 @ 11:06 am
Good call, Trevor. While I am a fan of story, I surely don’t appreciate him bringing ents from another dimension. Not a smart move.
Comment by recipher — 7/12/05 @ 3:05 pm
I think my aloe plant is a spy…
Comment by Max Power — 7/14/05 @ 4:33 am
There can only be one….
Comment by recipher — 7/14/05 @ 10:55 am
I am highly offended that you failed to even mention the Perilous Pines of Penobscot or the Ornery Oaks of Opelika.
Comment by Trevor — 7/14/05 @ 2:05 pm
yeah…i was going to… but my editor has a serious problem with alliteration.
Comment by Max Power — 7/14/05 @ 2:30 pm
Yeah, all the a-way!
/got nothing
Comment by recipher — 7/15/05 @ 3:31 pm
Alliteration always allows accomodation of aspiring aphids in April, according to my Aunt Astrid.
Comment by Trevor — 7/15/05 @ 8:55 pm
Hehe, nice.
Comment by recipher — 7/20/05 @ 1:12 am
You think this is something that just started happening? Think again, my friend. Director Sam Raimi first told us about this subject in his eye opening documentary ‘Evil Dead’ where he was on scene with his camera to capture footage of a tree raping a woman. Perhaps the trees in Wyoming just hadn’t had enough to tick them off until now….
Comment by groinsniffer — 7/30/05 @ 2:20 am
Hehe… I’m always down for some tree on women action. Wait, isn’t that like tentacle / hentai porn?
Comment by recipher — 8/11/05 @ 1:51 pm