The Hurricane Conspiracy
Can you smell it? No, not your stinky roommate, not those self-aware half eaten Ramen noodles either. I’m not even referring to your torn up khaki cargo pants, the ones that you loved back in 98, and most likely haven’t washed since. I’m talking about the fear people.
It is the portent of doom and destruction. It is the dark miasma that descends annually to weigh on the already crestfallen souls of every God loving, and fearing, American (Karl Rove, Karl Rove). It is the destroyer of homes and slayer of nations. The mere mention of whom sends the stock market crashing, Arabs dancing, and tiny orphans crying home to their mothers. Yes I am referring to the “Holy shit, it’s coming right for us!” hurricane.
Scientists say that hurricanes are a naturally occurring phenomenon and that there is evidence they were destroying the world’s financial markets at a time before even dinosaurs roamed the earth. Scientists have also been reported as saying, “Snoodle-doodle-poodle-foodle” at the top of their lungs. In reality, science is nothing more than a prank that Newton used to distract chicks from his genital warts. While it is true that some elite, white bread, Paleozoic hurricanes did cause prehistoric financial meltdown, it was through the unethical overuse of hedge funds and not the wanton destruction of economic centers.
Today’s hurricane, or Australian Willy-Willy, is believed to be caused by a super low pressure center, fed power by warm ocean waters, that causes a convection effect with the higher pressure air around it. This has been “proven” by years of research using high altitude aircraft and Doppler radars but, just like a happy marriage or a fulfilling career in real estate, it’s all a lie.
The truth is that Hurricane season is an elaborate conspiracy, put together by various evil south eastern meteorologists and financed by both Home Depot and Publix. These so called Doppler radar towers are actually a giant network of weather manipulating super-needles built by this immoral conglomerate to create the terror we experience every year as a hurricane.
Just think of it, it makes perfect since. Who do you think wins and loses every time a hurricane threatens? How much plywood, how many batteries, bottles of water, key-lime flavored suppositories, and duct tape do you think sells? Why is it that when ever the companies seem to do poorly there is a bad hurricane season which boosts their fiscal outlook? It’s all about the mind control man! Control the people’s fear and you control the people’s actions. In this case, their consumerism (Karl Rove, Karl Rove).
I, your very own Max Power, can no longer take this obvious injustice to our freedom. I will stand alone in a solitary, mass protest against this foe. I will venture headlong into the abyssal black winds of terror in order to defend my reader’s rights to peace and prosperity, or I will die in my feeble attempt.
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Neither the Blue Damage staff nor his family has heard from Mr. Power since he drafted this article. He did leave a note saying that he was headed to Indonesia where he expects the weather will be more favorable.
Comment by recipher — 7/16/05 @ 5:45 am
Ok wise guy, how do you explain the hurricane’s that were around in Columbis’ time? You know, the hurricanes in the 1600’s. Plus the Dopplar radar can’t even reach out into the Atlantic before the beam is traveling through space. Another point is that why would they have the “giant network of weather manipulating super-needles” in the middle of the country? Why don’t they keep the hurricane’s at Category 5 and destory the whole world, besides them? And what do you have against south eastern meteorologists and both the Home Depot and Publix? As you can see, your ship, called your “theory”, is full of holes, and it just sank to the bottom of Davy Jones’ Locker.
Comment by Timmy — 7/19/05 @ 9:42 pm
Timmy I always appreciate the comments but you forgot some key facts. “History” as you call it, is the mullato bastard child of “science” and “religion”. All three were invented to distract various historical chicks from various historical venerial diseases. Please do not buy into their hype.
The reason why the doppler radars are so prevelent is because they are giant “super falices” built to tear at the uterus of God. Nuff said.
I’m glad I can count on you to be on the winning team.
Comment by Max Power — 7/20/05 @ 3:15 am
A classic sign of pananoia and proof that liberalism is a mental disorder.
P.D. M.D.
Comment by Peat — 11/11/05 @ 12:39 am
Peat, thank you for your suggestion. I have submitted it to the boss with EXCITEMENT and a LARGE GRIN on my face.
Comment by recipher — 11/11/05 @ 12:56 am
blah blah…
Comment by blah — 11/12/05 @ 1:05 am
Hai guys. I think this mite be a j/k lol
Comment by Paulus2 — 12/8/05 @ 5:03 pm
Do you think I’m joking? Do you think this is a Fake News site?
Wow, I have failed you all, and I apologize from the depths of my bleeding liberal heart.
Comment by Max Power — 12/15/05 @ 4:39 pm
the easiest way i can say this is that you are fucking retarded…and the people who read this …you are all on drugs
Comment by nameless — 5/7/07 @ 1:49 pm
In Australia a Willy-Willy is not a Hurricane, it is a Dust Devil. A Cyclone is the Hurricane equivelent.
Comment by Alex — 9/5/08 @ 8:16 pm
um for starters there are no clouds in 90% of our small cyclones/hurricanes/twisters in the north of australia and they certainly arent striking anywhere that is going to make any difference to homedepot or walmart or any american conglomerate so um your a tard grow up you need a life yankee doodle
Comment by austrailian educated man — 2/26/09 @ 1:50 am
furthur more the only government we have in australia that over the last 80 years has shown any sign of being productive and correct in any matter is our liberal party and any american thattalks about liberals in a derogatory manner is a slow learner by the very definition of the phrase as both your leading parties are exactly the same if you cant see that your trully blind so wake up
Comment by austrailian educated man — 2/26/09 @ 1:53 am
ps learn how to spell america your education system is terrible, it is spelt colour and tyre not color and tire shit like that annoys the rest of the world which can infact already read and write correctly
Comment by austrailian educated man — 2/26/09 @ 1:54 am