In what seemed a normal summers evening at Patel O’Patty’s Pub in Cork Ireland, one of the most reality titty-twisting events in our modern history was to occur. The area is well known for its large fantasy population: fairies, banshees, brownies, leprechauns, pixies, and so on, which is why no one was surprised when Harold Q. Goldman, a 134 year old Jewish leprechaun entered the pub for his nightly drunkening. Harold’s reputation is well known in these parts.

Despite his traditional Irish Jew upbringing, he lost most all of his “Pot o’ Gold” on poorly performing internet stocks, with the last bits wasted on the Euro-Disney travesty. So when an American tourist asked how the broke old leprechaun could afford his day’s worth of whiskey, the locals were shocked that they had not noticed it earlier.

Pub owners and patrons confronted Mr. Goldman with the question but they received only the typical high pitched curses and racial slurs from the fantasy creature instead of answers. “That old cabbage eater is up to something”, was said by the locals between their own high pitched curses and racial slurs. For their next step a P.I. was hired who was able to hack into the fairy land bank through the Pub’s ancient wireless Mythernet. He found that since 1961 Harold has been receiving large monthly checks from the Coke-a-Cola Corporation. The P.I. also found that the wizened Leprechaun never used the Pub restrooms but instead walked out back and pissed into a mason jar, cackling manically the whole time. That’s when the epiphany hit him like the custody suit his ex-wife filed against him just last week.

The 40 year old rumor was true. Sprite was made from Leprechaun piss after all! The Coke-a-Cola Corporation has declined to comment on the matter, and the chemical composition of 7-up, Sierra Mist and Crystal Pepsi is still un-known. The Blue Damage Newsroom believes that there are at least two other, very rich, Leprechauns out there, receiving un-taxed American money. You better believe that they are laughing their little green asses off all the way to the make believe bank.