California Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham resigned yesterday for being slightly less corrupt than his peers. “It’s not like I haven’t tried my best to be a proper evil politician, but something was always holding me back.” He said, while sobbing like a bitch. “For one thing, when ever any one said they were thinking of the needs of their constituents, they really meant their bank account. Not me,” he hung his fat head in shame. ”Not at first.”

That’s where this whole bribery thing started for poor old Duke. He felt emasculated by the other “more evil” politicians and was never invited to any of their cool evil parties. So he did what any of us, privileged, white, millionaires would do. He pulled a few strings with defense contracts to pay for the antique bling and yacht club fees he so desperately needed to build his repugnant reputation, his malevolence meter, his greed gauge.

Recent evidence has been uncovered showing that former Congressman Cunningham’s standard political issue Soul-ectomy surgery was botched resulting in his conscience still being partially intact. The doctors, being evil themselves, thought it to be cruel, ironic, and quite funny. And so, they kept their mouths shut. This allowed Cunningham to be evil enough to pass by, but just too moral to deal with the daily bribes, fraud, lies, blackmail, sex, murders, hip-hop music, intern urinating, and kitten kicking that is synonymous with a political career.

Smokey the Bear, known for his plight and propaganda against wildfires and carelessness, was taken into custody this morning. Sources have discovered that Smokey is the main suspect in an arson case. Smokey’s lawyers have gone on record stating that he is innocent and was framed by Roger Rabbit, adding subtle irony to the case. Roger Rabbit, who has recently been battling with a horrific herion addiction and chronic depression, has denied all charges.

The target of the arson was, of course, Yogi the Bear. From what our investigators have uncovered, the motive was a very underground river dancing / log rolling competition that went awry earlier this week. Yogi was rumored to have been tormenting Smokey with the evil eye and phrases like, “only you can prevent your FACE from starting fires.” The heated match went down to a double, bonus round with Yogi prevailing. This greatly angered Smokey, and, he always bottles everything up inside anyway. If convicted, Smokey could wind up spending 5+ years in a cartoon penitentiary right outside the Los Padres National Forest. Yogi the Bear was unavailable for comment.

Golf loses its “Most Civilized Sport” title today after it was revealed that the secret ingredient of high-quality clubs was not NASA grade carbon fiber at all. Instead, freshly shredded orphan souls. The whistle blower, Professor Rory Bellows, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he could not stand shoving the thousands of bloodied and writhing Cherubs into the meat grinder any longer. It seems that it is necessary to put 12,853.7 orphan souls into each driver sold, and just slightly less for the irons, putters and wedges.

This takes a toll on manufacturer’s bottom line, who in turn is forced to increase the prices of their clubs. But, as their industry spokesman says, “True players will pay for the added performance that only freshly shorn orphan souls can bring.” Needless to say, this shocking development has thrust golf into the third most violent sport rank. Right behind foxy boxing and razorball, where the players put the razorballs in their mouths and punch each other in the face while log rolling over a giant pool full of lemon juice and sharks. The move has also allowed extreme beach checkers to finally obtain the “most civilized” crown that it has been seeking conception.

In a response to the recent allegations, Washington downgraded their torture techniques earlier today. The White House held a press conference; there was much rejoicing. Before the conference could begin, Judith Miller interrupted everyone and started screaming about being the center of attention. Her new book, entitled “Why I Don’t Like Being the Center of Attention and a Hardcore Bitch,” will be released sometime before Christmas. She then, according to sources, pleasured Rove orally in the backseat of a Volkswagon in accordance with the prophecy.

After Miller’s outburst, Scott McClellan’s baby hands and fat face had the following to say. “Well, the administration was wrong to lower America’s standards to these horrific levels of torture and corruption. We have decided on a new form of extracting crucial information to help us with the fight against the terrorists. We have downgraded our torture policy to tickling machines.”

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