In a response to the recent allegations, Washington downgraded their torture techniques earlier today. The White House held a press conference; there was much rejoicing. Before the conference could begin, Judith Miller interrupted everyone and started screaming about being the center of attention. Her new book, entitled “Why I Don’t Like Being the Center of Attention and a Hardcore Bitch,” will be released sometime before Christmas. She then, according to sources, pleasured Rove orally in the backseat of a Volkswagon in accordance with the prophecy.

After Miller’s outburst, Scott McClellan’s baby hands and fat face had the following to say. “Well, the administration was wrong to lower America’s standards to these horrific levels of torture and corruption. We have decided on a new form of extracting crucial information to help us with the fight against the terrorists. We have downgraded our torture policy to tickling machines.”

The media, part of the greater “liberal conspiracy,” began to ask questions about the CIA leak investigation. Scott McClellan, without pause, responded with severe TICKLING and SEDATIVES. The White House transcripts, however, showed Scott actually was handing out flowers and candy. Honest mistake, even though everyone who viewed the video clearly saw tickling and sedatives. It is sometimes hard to distinguish between the two and several experts have confirmed.

The tickling machines, refered to as “Tickles” by Dick Cheney, is apparently very effcient. It is said that after just 30 seconds with “Tickles,” you would punch the Pope in the face to make it stop. Dick Cheney told reporters that he would like to punch the Pope in the face just for fun. “Tickles” is a joint venture from Haliburton and Diebold.

Developing…