Lions head coach, Steve Mariucci, was fired recently. Not for being a bad Football coach, and therefore less of a man, but for being a Muggle. The non-magical coach was hired by the Ford Family back in 2003 and has since achieved a less than stellar record of 15-28 with the club. This lack of production, or excess of “teh suck”, has been accredited to the club’s lack of athletic talent, and ownership only wanting to pay migrant wages to all their players. The real crux of the problem however, is the simple fact that Mariucci is a Muggle.

“In today’s wonderful world of magical men and wonderfully wizened wizards, like Mike Vick, Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach, a Muggle coach is simply a liability.” Lion’s owner William Clay Ford continues, “What’s the purpose of having a game plan if it doesn’t include petrifying opposing players, turning them into ferrets, or setting them on fire? Oh, how about turning them into ferrets AND setting them on fire? Daddy was wrong about me, I am a freaking genius! It’s good to be a Ford, I’m rich, white, and brilliant. What could possibly happen to me?” Then he got cancer and died, moving on.

After watching the new film Harry Potter and the Gobstopper of Fire, and attending a weekend retreat at Griffendor’s school for fairies, The NFL’s competition committee decided that there needs to be a wizard on every single NFL team, except for the Cardinals, 49ers, and Texans of course. For that is to be, their destiny.