For three very wet and slimy months, our staff Sex-o-chiatrist, Max Power, has been pulling double duty as a war correspondent embedded with the Marines. He was with a pod of covert, marine, placental mammals, known simply as whales to you common folk, that have been performing various hit and run style operations against their human oppressors. They do this not only disrupt vital human war operations, but to show everyone that they have some balls too. Of course the end result was that they breached the surface, cleared their blow holes, and provided some excellent photo opportunities to the various whale watching boats in the vicinity. (Visit Chukchi Bay Alaska, You’ll Have A Whale Of A Wonderful Time!)

Perhaps it is the seeming ineptitude of their struggle that led to the next shocking twist. Perhaps it is the fact that most humans are, still very much unaware that they’ve hurt the whales feelings, and killed them, quite so badly. But in no short time Max Power was granted an interview with a Sergeant McHumpy, a whale with a difference. He is a whale who, in exchange for his protection, is willing betray his kin by revealing the quadruple-secret location of the final whale city.

Their city was founded millions of years ago after one of our common ancestors decided that the whole “land based evolution” thing was a decidedly bad idea, and so went back into the oceans and vowed never to leave again. This secret whale metropolis has been known to us humans for some time, but only in myth. Zion, Atlantis, or sometimes as Albuquerque New Mexico, the whales call it Krillville, and it is their home, their final refuge against the humans and their machine army. It is the last bastion of hope between them and the ecosystem raping chemicals and dolphin friendly nets that the damn, dirty, monkey descended humans have employed against them.

Sergeant McHumpy was quite forthcoming with all his confidential knowledge, clearly in the hopes that the human army will relocate him to the San Diego Zoo and away from the stresses of war and the racial curses from those, “bigotey assed seahorses”. While we would have liked to have brought you more quotes directly from Sergeant McHumpy, it turns out that a whale song is insufferably boring. One song alone can contain more information in it than the Iliad, Oddessy, and all the Curious George books put together. And in McHumpy’s case, just like my mother, it’s all just bitching and complaints. Plus once I told him that all those so called “atrocities of war” were simply cases of human neglect and not at all intentional, he committed suicide by locking himself in his garage with the car running. It was all I could do to drag his carcass home to become freeze dried whale jerky for my dogs.