The recent appalling failures in national security outlined by the 9/11 Commission’s report were found not to be due to obvious Executive, Legislative, and Judicial impotence. Rather on purpose, in an asinine attempt to stem the ever escalating violence.

Michael Chertoff comments to the media while throwing rocks from atop his heavily fortified, bullet proof glass house, “If we bring our A-game, then so will the terrorists, this will result in more and more devious plots against our innocent virgin lands. You see, we’ve learned a lot of lessons from the Cold War’s arms race, so now we are doing the opposite. If we seem lazy and lax about the way we work, it’s all by my grand design!”

Who’s Michael Chertoff? Yeah, he became the Secretary of Homeland Security after Tom Ridge evolved into pure energy about a year ago (hail Satan). Any way he had some more, very alliterative, things to say.

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After being continuously baffled by the growing threat of Al Queda and the war in Iraq, United States Anti-terrorism and Defense leaders developed a new, long-term, plan to set apart the destruction of the Arab cultures as we now know them. The idea surfaced after numerous soldiers reported Bon Jovi and Pat Benatar music blaring, along with Z Cavariccies, Jams, and slap bracelets seen all through out the Arab Street. That’s when their plan came together, just like a sadistic jig-saw puzzle next-day-ground delivered, from the 9th plane of hell.

If Arab culture mimics American culture 20 years in the past, knowing this, we can now control how they will behave in the future. The idea being, if suicide were made to be a popular trend in today’s Hollywood, by around 2025 all the Arabs in the world will be dead, and without that pesky Manifest Destiny / power hungry stigma we have going on now. The Country plans to leap into action with this one, there are no official names as of yet but keep a look out for your favorite Hollywood personalities to be extinguishing themselves in a variety of ways that might be available to the common Arab 20 years from now.

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The new wireless standard, 802.11n, is going to revolutionize the speed in which you get brain cancer. 802.11n is actually multiple waves of 802.11g, which was the previous standard. By using a 802.11n wireless router and reciever, you can transfer data on multiple lines at once! This can only mean one thing besides faster internets. This new standard will allow people to get brain cancer up to 2 to 3 times as efficiently! Wow!

Our undercover investigators were able to uncover some interesting details about this new wireless standard. Apparently, The American Academy of Neurology, sick of being overshadowed by the evil of the government, is behind the new wireless “cancer beams.” “It is secretly guaranting them many, many more years of patients,” an anonymous optometrist told us. Optometrists are well known for their hatred of neurologists and anti-neurology propaganda. It was also rumored that these new 802.11n routers were tested on new born kittens. None survived.