The recent appalling failures in national security outlined by the 9/11 Commission’s report were found not to be due to obvious Executive, Legislative, and Judicial impotence. Rather on purpose, in an asinine attempt to stem the ever escalating violence.

Michael Chertoff comments to the media while throwing rocks from atop his heavily fortified, bullet proof glass house, “If we bring our A-game, then so will the terrorists, this will result in more and more devious plots against our innocent virgin lands. You see, we’ve learned a lot of lessons from the Cold War’s arms race, so now we are doing the opposite. If we seem lazy and lax about the way we work, it’s all by my grand design!”

Who’s Michael Chertoff? Yeah, he became the Secretary of Homeland Security after Tom Ridge evolved into pure energy about a year ago (hail Satan). Any way he had some more, very alliterative, things to say.

“Those tiny terrorists are too attentive, trust me. They will notice our new negligence. This appearance will accumulate into an atmosphere of ease about their arrangements, and so, they will lounge lazy and lethargic themselves. This less complex clan will not cause calamity, and will be completely comfortable to capture, it’s our super silly superfluous strategy for some sort of success.”

Think about it. If the U.S.A. and her ally were to pursue facial mapping and recognition software, those sly snakes in the grass would make use of some sort of Guatemalan discount plastic surgery in order to trick the system. Under the new plan, they are more likely to try wearing a different color turban and maybe a fake moustache to trick us. That’s when we’ll get them. What if we pursued a nation wide missile defense laser system? The terrorists might develop stealth missiles or something even more diabolical. Now it’s far more likely that they will glue some broken pieces of a mirror to a nuke, point their mat toward Hollywood, and pray to Gwyneth for the best.

This move is widely seen to be in the best interests of our pure and chaste nation. Not only does it save us money and make us more secure from foreign devil dogs, but it creates twice as much free time for the average American national security agent. So while they are out on the links, pounding beers at their favorite bar, or doing whatever method of hiding from their family that they prefer, they are sending a message to the terrorists. That they can’t win no matter what, not unless they try, sort of hard.