When something or someone upsets me I tend to release my angry blood by writing a scathing satire. I unleash a lampoon so pretentious, so crass and so inane that no one in their right mind will understand or appreciate it. The following will be no exception.

But it could have been, oh sweet, slim and sassy Jesus it could have been. I was going to try to be a little more sympathetic with my slander, a bit more likeable with my libel, but that was not to be my destiny. It seems to me that we are all pushed onto certain paths in life for a reason. It’s our responsibility as self-actualized adults to be true to ourselves and follow that path. That’s why I really don’t have a choice in what I’m about to do.

• In my opinion Cindy Sheehan in a hate filled whore who couldn’t keep her son’s umbilical on and so, is running his name through the mud and bitching as loud as she can to try to make the world feel sorry for her. (but you knew that)
• It is also of my opinion that she has some far leftist speech writers who are trying their best to get her elected to Congress so she can bitch at us some more and infest the world with her feminist, shortsighted, snaggle toothed, diatribes. (deep breaths now Max, count to ten)
• Finally, it is my opinion that she fucks goats. (Damn, I went there)

Ok, I feel better. I wanted to be nice, honestly. But while I was researching the piece, I found myself getting more and more upset. That caused me to get more and more drunk, and then, then the darkness came and enveloped me. A week later I awoke and regained my partial sanity. The only thing I was able to decipher was scrawled out everywhere, on my notes, the walls, and across my pale naked flesh, written in lamb’s blood.(I think) “Is she for real?”

Truthfully, the lady is a complete psychopath. She is so stricken with her grief and blinded by her hatred that she has totally lost sight of what is real and what’s not. What pisses me off is that she claims to be a Democrat, that’s not cool Cindy. Your thinking borders on Communist, but we’ll touch on that later. Now, I could present you with a rational and reasonable argument that will cause you to see the horrible truth of the issue. But that would make too much sense and, as we have established, that’s not my style. I feel that if she is going to bastardize reality than I can do a much better job of it. With rumors of Susan Sarandon attached to make a Cindy Sheehan movie, now is the perfect time to unleash my first Hollywood script. So, sit back, relax, and enjoy the captivating tale of Cindy and the Dragon. (zip up your fly you pervert. I know it’s the internet but damn!)

The Movie:

Once upon an innocent time, let just say 2012. America elected the first female (allegedly) President of the United States, Miss Cindy Lee Miller Sheehan. American women and sissy boys united together under her promises of a pure classless society. A land where all people, of all colors and creeds join hands together in song while they enjoy equal social and economic status. All people except men that is, in the new America all males will be bound by law to do as their mother commands them, pending the time of their dowry. Until then, really until they die, they are nothing but second class citizens. Yes, like homos or the family pet, men have no real rights. They are now used primarily for lifting heavy boxes, getting things off tall shelves, squashing bugs, and most regrettably of all, mating.

Cindy’s new America needed a new image. The flag was turned all red to represent the precious life blood that her son spilt fighting an “illegal war for oil”. Then she added her dragon crest and had the stars turned golden to represent how wonderful the 1^st amendment is which allowed her rise to power. She then immediately revoked the 1^st amendment, jailed ex-president Bush, and put a hammer and sickle on the flag just to be blatant. That’s when, with what seemed like a lot of anguish, she sprouted an ungainly large red tail.

By 2015 quite a lot had changed. President Sheehan was now Empress Sheehan, although she said her son was the real emperor and she was just ruling until the time of his reincarnation. She didn’t really absolve the old government so much as kill them, eat them, and breathe fire all over their bloodied corpses. In the ensuing power void she granted Lord Michael Moore the title of Grand Duke with a magical floating diamond castle where the enslaved George W. was to be his royal jester. Then she presented him with an army of 10,000 left handed and left footless knights (so as to cause a lean) and granted him command of all lands from Texas to the Falkland Islands. This move left her more time to rule the rest of the Americas with her iron claw. Canada, she renamed Syrup City, and left them much alone, to continue with their great works.

Time passed by, the world was shrinking, and America was devolving. Cindy had all the female citizen’s tongues cut out so another dragon could never rise to threaten her power. Her isolationist tactics led by an inept government full of ogres and idiots sent America right into a new Dark Age. There were now only three world superpowers and they were constantly battling each other for control of the planets resources. “There are Whites, Yellows, and Browns.” Growled the monster with the lower half of a gigantic, red, armor plated lizard and the upper torso and head of Empress Sheehan. “I’m gonna eat the yellow one’s brains to get their knowledge!” Then painfully, (I say painfully because the noises that she made caused everyone in a five mile radius to shit themselves in terror) she sprouted wings from her spine and promptly flew away.

A week later she returned, “Well that didn’t work”, but the damage was done. Yellow retribution was quick. Thanks to an unseasonable excess of the most powerful aphrodisiac of all, seal penis soup, their population had tripled. They joined forces with those sad, misunderstood Browns and had their army pound into the American territories like the local football team did to my wife. Except that America didn’t like it, and I wasn’t being forced to watch. (Go Buc’s?)

Grand Duke Michael Moore and his legions of rotund warriors were called by Cindy Dragon to suppress the foreign invaders. “The Yellows and Browns are a bruise on the creamy white thigh of society that Empress Sheehan and I created.” Grand Duke Moore squealed. His pudgy frame was wobbling and nearly falling off his horse every time it moved. While the over fed soldiers he was trying to inspire, his Left-Leaners, were themselves falling, sitting backwards, and stabbing each other in their remaining foot rather than listening to him. But Lord Michael Moore had never cared if people ignored him. So on he continued, even louder and more pig-like than before. “Their superior numbers and technology does not matter, we will defeat them as my movies once did to reason and ethics! Now attack!”

10,001 bulbous idiots galloping down a hill to die was a strange site. Their death, while also strange, was better described as terrifyingly quick, unbearably painful, and tragically ironic. You see, by this time the Chinese had perfected Tesla Coil technology, and since the Grand Duke and his untrained knights wore metal armor and held steel swords and shields, their slaughter was complete and merciless. Bolts of lightning were fired from hand held spark rifles while huge balls of crackling electricity and death flew from large truck mounted cannons.

Seconds later, it was finished. There were no cries for help in the air, only the smells and sounds of roasting flesh. Then much to the Whites dismay, some one in the Yellow army found out that fried, half baked political ideologist penis soup was just as powerful an aphrodisiac as seal penis soup, maybe even more powerful. The Yellows mated, procreated, armed the new babies, devalued their currency, and continued north, one step closer to world domination.

Cindy Dragon received word of Grand Duke Michael Moore’s death from her cockroach sentries. By this time she had developed an affluence for talking to the worlds disgusting creatures and so all the creepy crawly bugs and nasty creatures on earth reported to her directly. Cindy Dragon’s rage boiled over with the news. She was about to assemble her army of 300, 000 eunuch slaves and her personal honor guard of 100 Amazon “worrier” priestesses. But her neck suddenly and violently stretched out into a disgustingly long reptilian tube. Her still human head was flopping around on the ground connected to the body of a ferocious fire breathing dragon. She tried to pick her tiny human head up with her giant dragon hand, but it was no use. She had always lacked a woman’s delicate touch, her claws were made for battle.

Before she would continue she had a slave beheaded then forced another slave hold her head up on top of his friend’s newly vacant neck. Looking gruesome and foolish, hiding her huge dragon body behind a dead slave’s corpse while having her head propped up where his should have been, she continued, “We’ll attack when my neck bones finish growing in. After all, who could possibly defeat a fully formed dragon?”

“I am the one who will defeat that dragon!” a grey bearded man cried from the mountains with a mighty resolve, a diamond sword, and a fake Texan accent. Back in the beginning, George W. Bush had become quite “Gore-y” due to his humiliating fall from power. That is to say he became fat, disgraced, and had grown a full beard. After Empress Sheehan captured him he was made to caper around in a loincloth while Grand Duke Moore and his court threw rotten vegetables at him for their amusement. He was injured, humiliated, and smelled of ass, but he decided that he must live. He must play the fool and bide his time so that he can have his revenge. As the months passed by George became less confident, escape from a floating castle seemed impossible. He felt he would be stuck a jester for the rest of his life regardless of God’s plan for him. When he was finally near his breaking point something both horrible and wonderful happened.

The Yellows slaughtered the Grand Duke Moore and his horde of Left-Leaners. Then, as the husky shadow of Lord Moore was lifted from the lands his magical diamond castle came crashing to the ground. George knew that the Liberal Lord would torture him no longer. But Moore should have died looking into his eyes, not the slits of some tiny Yellow guy with straight pubes and a lightning gun. Yet that was all in the past, the important thing is that he’s free. Surrounded by the shattered diamond remains of the castle that once held him prisoner, he knelt in prayer. When God finally spoke and gave onto him the divine plan George broke into a hysterical, almost villainous cackle. He was put here for a reason. There was indeed a path for him to follow and he will be true to it. He may have knelt as a flabby, broken man but he arose St. George the Dragon Slayer.

The combined forces of the Yellows and Browns were making their way across South America, pillaging, looting and raping anything of value along their way. (They found nothing.) Cindy Dragon still needed time for her neck vertebrae to connect so she had all of Mexico burned to the ground except a small trail that would lead straight to Mexico City. Cindy called it her scorched earth policy and she felt very clever for inventing it. Once led into the city the armies quenched their thirst with the rancid waters. They were forced to stay for weeks while caring for the sick and burying those who died of the explosive diarrhea. During this time Cindy finished her final evolution into dragon form. She felt the same inside, as if she had always been a dragon. But now she had more power than ever before. Those who could ignore Cindy Sheehan were forced to pay attention to President Sheehan. Those who hated President Sheehan were put to death by Empress Sheehan. And now those who sought to dethrone Empress Sheehan would feel the righteous fury of the fully completed Cindy Dragon.

However, the final stage of her transformation was not without unexpected consequences. Her awkward dragon tongue lacked the fragile ability of human speech. So she had dung beetles spell out her orders by rolling their fecal balls around on some parchment. She also held secret urges to steal a beautiful maiden and take her to a hidden cave filled with gold and jewels. She always had that urge she remembered. It has just grown stronger since her dragonhood. But her obvious lesbianism would have to wait. Her kingdom was a shattered sword and she must forge it anew with the furious power of her dragon flame.

The Yellow and Brown army met the full force of the White army in Texas. The Black army had enough sense to return to New Orleans a long time ago, so they aren’t really mentioned in this story. George the Dragon Slayer tailed the Yellows and found a shadowy hole to hide in before the battle started. Once lined up for battle, the Yellows insulted the White army, trying to get them to attack before Cindy Dragon arrived. “I don’t know why we eat Michael Moore’s fried penis,” they would taunt, “we’ll just be hungry again in an hour!” But the eunuchs kept their cool, it’s not like they had any pride left. So when Cindy Dragon finally arrived the advantage was to the Whites who she wrapped in old tires, had chosen the higher battle ground, and had not gorged themselves on culinary penises all night long. The stage was set. An epic battle was to be fought with elemental forces the magnitude of which the world had never seen. (Peter Jackson is attached to direct)

The Yellows blasted their General Midi trumpets (patch 57), while the Whites slapped the patch of flesh where their useful parts should have been. As the clamor rose to deafening proportions George the Dragon Slayer peeked out from his hole like a prairie dog in order to watch the battle. Then all became still. An eerie calm descended before the charge began. Cindy Dragon breathed a torrent of fire to signal the start. The Yellows found that this was not to be a one sided slaughter like when they met Grand Duke Moore. Their piercing lightning strikes were being absorbed by the old tires while the Whites flames burned the Yellow soldiers to cinders. When the Eunuchs and Amazons plunged into the center of the Yellow army Cindy was so lost in her rage that she forgot to stop breathing her fire. This caused her own army to burst into flame like thousands of cream filled napalm donuts.

Now the Yellows rallied, the Whites were completely caught off guard and retreated. All was lost for Cindy Dragon. Her whole army was broken because she didn’t know when to quit. As the Yellows crept up to surround her, her thoughts went to her son, Casey. “Could she have been so wrong?” she wondered. But it no longer mattered, she would be with him soon. The Yellows stood silent until a man, presumably their general, barked a command. Cindy closed her eyes, George watched helplessly, there was a void of sound for a second, or was it for an eternity. Then, the lonely crack of a lightning cannon.

Cindy opened her eyes, expecting to see her son. She was confused, it was not heaven nor the fires of hell she saw, it was still the battle field. Her demonic dragon form must have protected her from the execution. She was, invincible. With one swing of her massive tail she took out dozens of the stunned Yellow soldiers and a couple Tesla-Tanks. With the first blast of her fire she killed that General, his guard, and a few hundred others. However the Yellows were not beaten yet. They still pressed the attack where they could. After all, they were thousands and she only one.

George sensed that his time had come. He arose from his dirty hole, took his diamond sword in hand and confidently began to walk towards Cindy Dragon. The battle raged on around him. Lightning and fire went whizzing past his head, one hit almost killed him had his holy sword not absorbed it. He was unarmored yet unafraid. Tiny yellow corpses littered the blood soaked battlefield. George stepped over them, focused only on his task. He was able to get very close to Cindy before anybody noticed him. A Brown officer was the first to die. His guts fell to the dusty ground with a swift diamond stroke. “That one’s for Daddy”, he said in his trademark contrived accent. Next another Brown and then a Yellow fell to his blade. “That’s for Dick and that’s for Karl you dirty…dirt bags”, George was never good with words but he felt they got the idea.

Cindy was focused on destroying the last of the heavy artillery when George finally made it to the top of the hill. Running directly underneath her he was able to find the weak spot that God had told him about. There were the foretold beads, dangling and stinky. That’s where he was to strike. With a single deft thrust George discovered that dragon slaying was a foul and smelly business. Blood and feces rained into his mouth as he screamed “Gryffindor!” and plunged the diamond shard deeper and deeper into Cindy’s sphincter.

Cindy felt pain in the happy place. (Take a minute and let that one sink in) George had torn through her armor and left her vulnerable. She fell to the ground. The last operational lightning cannon was near a Yellow man who was coincidentally the first guy to eat Michael Moore’s penis, he would become a legend. Seizing the opportunity he shot a ball of lightning straight up Cindy Sheehan’s Dragon ass. She was slain. She died a cantankerous bitch until her final breath, mumbling something stupid about being a matriot. Across the seas, songs of the evil Dragon with fire for breath, shit for brains, and lightning for bowel movements were sung. The remaining Whites put George on their shoulders and carried him home to his ancestral ranch house. He was finally able to fulfill his true destiny. He had saved the world from the Dragon and now he would put America back to the way it was.

Decades later, when the time was right (It took much longer than he thought) Emperor Bush descended from his throne and granted free elections back to the people. The two party system returned with typical results. Bitching and complaining about trivial matters while ignoring the important issues. Bickering and arguing over semantics while forgetting the urgent needs of the people. The pointless political exercises in futility that we cherish and value so highly were now regained. In other words, America was back to normal. And then, somewhere quiet and peaceful, among the happy trees, smiling valleys, and laughing streams of freedom. A new dragon egg began to incubate.