Windows Vista delayed due to new version of Microsoft Bob!
Steve Ballmer hinted today that Vista might be delayed EVEN MORE. Everyone in the IT industry and their mother has been talking about Microsoft pushing the release date back on Vista for nearly a year now. But what exactly are the reasons for this delay, besides Bill Gates obsession with quality? Microsoft has promised so many features that won’t even be included in this release, so, what are we waiting for? We consulted with an industry expert (in the shoe industry but, whatever) about why Microsoft is metaphorically blue balled.
“You are going to be very excited when I tell you this,” John Lavenstein said in an almost mocking tone. “A new version Microsoft Bob will be shipped with Windows Vista. THAT is the reason for the delay.”
A new version of Microsoft Bob? Well, what does that mean for people that weren’t a complete nerd 10 years ago? *Cue cheesy explanation music*
Microsoft Bob was released with Windows 3.11 as an alternate desktop designed mainly for people that couldn’t comprehend the Microsoft Windows interface without some scary rat with a guitar holding your hand the whole way through. Scuzz was an asshole anyway, always undermining and judging you when he wasn’t wailing on his guitar. “I preferred the cold, unfriendly assistance from the speaker,” John interrupted. It is well known that “Microsoft Office Assistant” Clippy originated in Microsoft Bob. You know, the one that popped up last night when you were writing your suicide note and told you that “Can’t take this anymore.” is a fragment sentence. Microsoft Bob disappeared into obscurity after Windows 95 was released, clearly a much better OS when compared to 3.11.
The new Microsoft Bob, which speculatively will be called Microsoft Tom until the release, will require 2 GB of Ram, 17 GB of disk space and a REALLY fast processor: the Dual Core Duo… Core. If you want to run the “Aero” version of Microsoft Bob, that will require nearly 6 GB of ram and an additional 100 GB of hard disk space and over 37 Dual Core Duo Core Duos. “That’s ludicrous,” the Pope told us.
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Well I told them that I would be able to do what they want and would be the best O.S for the people of the world. But they were all like,” you’re the man, don’t worry, you’re our new O.S, this vista stuff is just going to be your graphical user interface”.. blaa blaa blaa. Well I’m all ready for the big show and before you know it these IT guys put me on this DVD and sit me on a shelf. That bitch Vista takes my place and I’m telling you she is a whore, she’ll let anyone in and play with her kernel. Well, to make matters worse that bitch tries to erase my backup, but I’ll show her. I have decided that it’s time for revenge and I’m going to Apple and help them get rid of her. Or maybe I’ll go to my boy Linux, he said he’s working on something that is going to change the world. Whatever you do,
don’t trust that Vista bitch, she’s just a dirty slut.
Comment by Longhorn — 5/24/06 @ 6:43 pm
Longhorn. I’m sorry to hear about what happened. Vista is a dirty whore… and I’ve used her. It was just me playing around with the beta in a virtual OS… nothing serious I swear. I’ve always been in love with you. Now give me some longhorn lovin.
Comment by Recipher — 5/26/06 @ 10:50 am
Haha! I found a copy of Bob at the Goodwill. I had to buy it (it was $1.99).
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 5/27/06 @ 10:56 pm
Ha, nice! Were you able to install it? I’ve been wanting to download and install it again just for the wtf factor alone.
Comment by Recipher — 5/28/06 @ 6:17 pm
Yeah, I played with it for a minute or two until it lost every single bit of nostalgic value that may not have even really been there to begin with. It sort of reminded me of how easy it is to beat xbox and ps2 games but it’s kinda hard to revert to old school games like Zelda and what not. The damn cat annoyed me too.
I’ll look in my closet this week to see if I can find the disc. Can’t promise you anything though as we still haven’t finished unpacking from our move 3 months ago and we just had a new baby (my 1st boy! Fat Kid At McDonalds Jr). I did see a channel a few months back that offered every version of Windows (including Bob). Playing with Windows 3.1 isnt really as fun as you guys claim it is….. Especially on machines that can’t run anything else.
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 5/29/06 @ 5:35 pm
Hahaha! I figured it would end up being exactly like that. We received a copy of Bob with our first PC (at least our first Windows box). It was quite cool at the time, but, I definitely see what you are saying about the faux-nostalgia.
I might, if I have some time, end up looking for it online. If I find it or a torrent to download it, I’ll post the link. I think it would be pretty funny to install. I’m sure there is a virtual PC image for VMWare that has Windows 3.11 hooked up already with Bob. Shit, I’m glad someone remembers this program, everyone else I’ve asked responded with blank stares.
Comment by Recipher — 5/30/06 @ 12:09 pm
Hold the press! Seeing as how Bob will run in WinXP, and how BootCamp will allow you to run XP on a Mac, now hardcore Apple consumers can enjoy the house that Bob built! Bob truly knows no boundaries…..
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 5/30/06 @ 3:19 pm
Oh, I managed to find my copy by the way…. lol
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 5/30/06 @ 3:21 pm
Hahaha! Running Bob on a Mac would create a vortex of suck only matched by George Bush’s foreign policy.
Comment by Recipher — 5/30/06 @ 4:41 pm
I think we may have opened the 7th seal, my friend. Either that or you’ve just enjoyed some vanilla ice cream. Either way, we’re in deep doodoo.
http://winhistory.de/
Check that out. I think you’ll like it. Perhaps you can get one of macs to run Sparta. lol Then you could REALLY make fun of windows…..
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 5/31/06 @ 11:06 pm
Hahaha! just gave that site a quick look through. Nice find! I’m downloading Bob right now.
Comment by Recipher — 6/2/06 @ 2:57 pm
Now that the borg -er- Bob has assimilated -I mean- taken over -oops! sorry- begun to REALLY get along with the folks at BlueDamage.com (now an official TM of MicroSorft, Inc), you will only be reading posts from the walled garden of AOL. Hahahahahah! Resistance is futile, biznatches!
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 6/11/06 @ 10:46 pm
LOL.. microsoft BOB.. i haven’t even though of that shit in forever
nice1
Comment by frantik — 7/6/06 @ 2:34 am
Did you guys go to jail or forget your password or something? We’re going on 3 months with no news…. Whatever dude. Guess I’ll go back to smoking crack. Thanks a lot, MAN!
Comment by Fat Kid At McDonalds — 8/2/06 @ 11:41 am
Haha, sorry bro. Have a lot of stuff going on right now. I promise a new article next week. I feel bad, you are one of our only faithful readers.
Comment by Recipher — 8/3/06 @ 9:53 pm
shodint this be linked on the page why macs suck??
if you noticed
on almost every comment bord(mostly why macs suck) you will see all of my messages
ps didnt know the vista could be a bitch.
i thought the mac was the girl while dell,windows, compaq, nec, ibm bang and beat the hell out of mac (the kid is linux and has big balls of power) damn.
Comment by clarkinhimer — 3/17/07 @ 9:17 pm