I am pleased to announce Blue Damage has received a shiny, coveted gadget symbolizing a higher status in the tech community. Yes, it’s an advanced copy of the Apple iPhone. I was able to get my muculent mitts around this cellular device several months in advance. A Mac employee wanting to remain anonymous is a friend of the family. Don’t worry though; it won’t affect our bias at all. In fact, we think the iPhone sucks. Hard. These reasons should give you the right to smack anyone in the face calling the iPhone revolutionary, the end all of mobile computing or the greatest thing since Full House. We liked Full House a lot, especially Dave Coulier. Saying that is almost disrespectful. On to the review, here are a few reasons why the Apple iPhone sucks the proverbial big one.

Right off the bat you realize the iPhone doesn’t come with buttons! Why would they release something without such a modernized convenience? How can you even control it? I’ve tried using wireless bluetooth keyboards, a P2 Dell laptop with Firewire 800, even a cat. How about a got damn slide out keyboard? Nothing. We finally figured out how to control the iPhone. If you use a knife, or some sort of jagged object, you can get the phone to respond to touch commands. However, this left lacerations all over the surface of the phone. They wouldn’t even buff out with a brillo pad! I figured they would have made these things rugged. Not a good start here.

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