Why The Apple iPhone Sucks
I am pleased to announce Blue Damage has received a shiny, coveted gadget symbolizing a higher status in the tech community. Yes, it’s an advanced copy of the Apple iPhone. I was able to get my muculent mitts around this cellular device several months in advance. A Mac employee wanting to remain anonymous is a friend of the family. Don’t worry though; it won’t affect our bias at all. In fact, we think the iPhone sucks. Hard. These reasons should give you the right to smack anyone in the face calling the iPhone revolutionary, the end all of mobile computing or the greatest thing since Full House. We liked Full House a lot, especially Dave Coulier. Saying that is almost disrespectful. On to the review, here are a few reasons why the Apple iPhone sucks the proverbial big one.
Right off the bat you realize the iPhone doesn’t come with buttons! Why would they release something without such a modernized convenience? How can you even control it? I’ve tried using wireless bluetooth keyboards, a P2 Dell laptop with Firewire 800, even a cat. How about a got damn slide out keyboard? Nothing. We finally figured out how to control the iPhone. If you use a knife, or some sort of jagged object, you can get the phone to respond to touch commands. However, this left lacerations all over the surface of the phone. They wouldn’t even buff out with a brillo pad! I figured they would have made these things rugged. Not a good start here.
Another reason why the iPhone sucks is you can’t install Windows Media Player on it. How the hell am I supposed to listen to music on this thing if I can’t install any programs? I tried to play CDs in it, but, it doesn’t even open! I had to find that out the hard way by inserting a letter opener autographed by Danielle Steel into the side to pry it open. Now I have to use scotch tape to keep it shut. Thanks a lot, Apple. I would have thought if you were going to release a phone that supposedly doubles as an iPod, it would actually play music. Every time you try to play an mp3 file, this screensaver application called iTunes pops up. I can’t close that program quickly enough!
Features… where the heck are they?! I don’t even see one intriguing feature. Also, it’s too small and effortless to carry around with you anywhere you go. This iPhone is also difficult to grip. When you hold the phone up to your face, you get oil all over it from your pores. I have a super greasy face from years of bathing in hydrogenated vegetable oil due to an extremely rare skin condition. Every time I hold it to my face, it slips right out of my hands! I have greasy, clammy, fat hands. The real kicker is you can only contact other people who have an iPhone! Now I can only contact Steve Woz and Leo Laporte.
What the hell was AT&T thinking teaming up with Apple? AT&T rocks, Apple really doesn’t rock at all. This iPhone sucks so horribly, just mentioning it in our office causes a rush to the bathroom to vomit blood. After we finished our review, we began launching the iPhone from a 6th story window. The battery blew up the 3rd time and caused an unanticipated fireball the size of a children’s soccer field. The only reason we are using such a strange measurement is because all those children were instantly liquefied. Nice one, Steve Jobs! I’ll wait for the ZunePhone from Microsoft, thanks.
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You suck , and your the one who should be thrown from the 3rd floor to explode a big fart like you.
Comment by Ace — 1/12/07 @ 12:29 am
Wow, nice one Ace. No seriously. My ego just dropped and hit the ground harder than my cock when I saw your Mom naked.
Comment by Recipher — 1/12/07 @ 12:32 am
i recommend use a sledge hammer if you use one you can get the phone open and cram cds and your ipod into it then duck tape the sides that way youll have more memory and tunes and you wont scratch it up using a knife hope it works for you!
oh and did ya here they made a apple cell phone that has a built in shitter? Yep thats right no more waiting to take a shit in public places no more even comes with a TP despenser. =D
Comment by Recon — 1/15/07 @ 2:29 pm
I have a friend (no, really, I do) who said that the iphone will let me set the theme from the a-team as a ring tone, but only if I buy a mac. iphones are cool.
But I really wouldn’t want one because it doesn’t have minesweeper. iphones are cool.
Comment by Fat Kid at McDonalds — 1/16/07 @ 12:13 pm
Minesweeper was another application that we couldn’t install on the iPhone. MS Paint too. What the fuck was Steve Jobs thinking when he designed this in his laboratory? The iPhone aside, I can’t believe that he tests all of his products on bunny rabbits. It is estimated that Steve Jobs has killed over 30,000,000 bunny rabbits since joining Apple. That’s like a little bunny rabbit holocaust.
Comment by Recipher — 1/17/07 @ 5:57 pm
soccer… brilliant. i don’t know what your problem with apple is. i had the original apple 2e portable phone and i loved it. it was a bit bulky because it had a full size keyboard but it was awesome. all you had to do was plug it in, hook up a monitor or old tv and wait a few minutes for it to turn on (we called it warming up back then). the only thing that sucked about the 2e phone was that you couldn’t make phone calls on it. you could, however, play ‘hunt the wumpus’ or ‘oregon trail’ on it so that was pretty neato. all in all, i disagree with your review and invite you to suck it. penguin style.
Comment by mortimer nova — 1/19/07 @ 1:48 pm
Nicky D. You are so bad.I love it.
Comment by Carleigh — 1/28/07 @ 3:20 pm
Thanks.
Comment by Recipher — 2/3/07 @ 12:16 am
I hear to access your address book (when you finally find it), you have to hold apple and control while tapping the screen three times at a tempo of 112. Did you find this to be true while reviewing?
Comment by Margapantalones — 2/20/07 @ 4:01 am
Yes, although, I had to bang it against a brick wall in a downward motion to “scrape” it into working. I then raped the iPhone liberally.
Comment by Recipher — 2/22/07 @ 1:04 pm
apple sucks.
period.
those phones will start trying to think of other alplacatins and on the other end it sounds like youre loseing service when the phone has all service bars.
JUNK, LIKE FORDS AND ANYTHING APPLE MAKES!!!
Comment by clarkinhimer — 3/17/07 @ 11:01 am
hey recipher,
thats a little weird that you rape phoes if you got the fucker pregnent the kids would be really stupid and slow to the point they cant go to school
Comment by clarkinhimer — 3/17/07 @ 11:15 am
Go Shit on yourself you fucking assholes. You cant jam a fucking cd into the iphone by breaking it open, DUMB ASSES. yOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT THE IPHONE because your mom is still taking a shit since last month. You cant get your littleass blue damage hands on an iphone there are only 3. Steve jobs has one and the rest belong to apple you sun of a bitches. Of course you cant install windows media player on it, its a fuckin mac. It’s called iphone bitches read the fucking article. Your supposed to control your device with your damn fingers. Go take a fuckin bath with your mom if you have such a oily face. At least we agree on something. IPHONE SUCKS
Comment by danny wetback — 3/31/07 @ 12:29 pm
Hmmm last I heard , no Java and No 3rd party apps allowed. Wow,
Apple sure has all of their bases covered in preventing people
running their own apps. >:(
Comment by Crushed by high floor and low ceiling — 4/1/07 @ 2:14 pm
The iPhone is the equivelant of electronic toilet paper. Edge? That is like 3 yeard old technology. Cingular only? Now you will see all those Cingular haters on the street corners expressing how much they love Cingular. Touchsceen? Why are people excited? A PDA with Skype and have an iPhone. What a waste of time.
Comment by Steve Handjobs — 5/20/07 @ 11:27 am
I HATE IPHONE……
SHEEEPPP ALL YOU SHEEPPP
Need a PDA, get a PDA… this is a classic buy in fad phone…
if it had open source and wifi and … oh wait my pda does it all already.. and guys what its touch screen too…and guess what your gay. like really gay.
Comment by ToughGuy — 6/29/07 @ 1:51 pm
“#
Hmmm last I heard , no Java and No 3rd party apps allowed. Wow,
Apple sure has all of their bases covered in preventing people
running their own apps. >:(
Comment by Crushed by high floor and low ceiling — 4/1/07 @ 2:14 pm
”
remind me exactly? whats left to ruin?
Comment by your mum — 1/21/08 @ 6:18 pm
Stupidity has blessed you. Did you actually try to use a keyboard!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? And you wanted to use WMP? There are no words to describe you right now. But then again, this was posted before the release date, so you were using a beta. Good thing the problems have been solved.
Comment by Bread — 6/1/08 @ 11:27 am
I think you’re getting it all wrong. A friend of mine had this problem, dilated rectal dyspepia or somesuch. ANyhoe, the ifone was the perfect solution.
Also, the article mentions that the ifone got greasy. Well yeah, that’s a feature. Mac makes hardware *different*, that’s why they’re so cool. If you can hold other fones, then why should you be able to hold the ifone?
Word.
Comment by P — 6/5/08 @ 4:41 pm
heh. irony.
Comment by uiop — 9/19/08 @ 5:53 am
i can’t figure out how to install prodigy and corel draw 2.0 on my iphone because there’s nowhere to put the floppy disks… i tried putting the disks on top of my 14.4 external modem to transfer them wirelessly but they just get hot and started to smell… now that i’m looking at it though, i’m not sure if this is an iphone or a turkey sandwich… how can you tell the difference?
Comment by mortimer nova — 11/7/08 @ 8:38 am
You have sex with it. If it feels good, it’s a turkey sandwich. If it feels good at first but starts to hurt, it’s the iPhone.
Comment by Recipher — 11/8/08 @ 3:07 pm
all you fappling macfags cool the fuck down and gtfo
Macs suck
Comment by afakename — 12/2/08 @ 2:48 am
iphone sucks!!!!!!!!! bought for $400 broke a while later and only use it for ipod which now apple is no longer allowing people to do anymore. if your iphone breaks and you decide to keep it only for its features like calculator, ipod or whatever they will not let you unless you are paying for service!! what bs a $400 piece of useles crap
Comment by joblo — 5/7/09 @ 2:55 pm