The latest statement in "green" technology is without doubt hybrid automobiles. However, even hybrid automobiles still require burning large amounts of fossil fuels, regardless of how advanced the fuel efficiency is. Trey Kaitens, an expert in energy consumption, psychology and rare stamp appraising, has some startling news about the fuel consumption of hybrid drivers. It isn't pretty like Max Power's new dress.

"The majority of hybrid drivers actually use the same amount of gasoline, even with higher standards in fuel efficiency," Trey told us, which didn't make much sense. Sure, if you compare the fuel efficiency of a Toyota Corolla to a Chevy Silverado Hybrid, the Corolla has the upper hand. However, how could hybrid drivers on average use more gasoline than non-hybrid drivers? Trey explained, "It's based upon the notion that driving a hybrid feels 'safer' as far as the environment is concerned."

"It's a lot like eating twice as much 'reduced fat' ice cream, just because it's reduced fat. Its fat content isn't reduced if you eat twice as much, fattie," Trey barked. I couldn't help but feel this comment was directed at me. It didn't help that I was sitting there eating reduced fat ice cream... and was on my second helping. We also asked Trey what is the best way to help the environment. He told us, "The only alternative fuel source that will actually help the economy is Anne Frank's tears. Using those tears as a substitute for gasoline, you can consistently get over 200 mpg."

We snootily began looking for Anne Frank's tears, but, apparently they are extremely expensive. And RARE. Is this possibly because she was deaf and blind? Also, using Anne Frank's tears as a alternative fuel source is somewhat overrated, getting an actual EPA rating of around 120 mpg. And that just isn't worth it for the price. Experts say move closer to work and ride a bike until these clowns in the auto industry get their act together.