“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed. Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out. “Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”

Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.” We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.

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The internet has a lot of information on it… well, that’s an understatement. It is estimated to have over 1,000 floppy disks worth of data just throughout America alone. How would a CIA agent go through all that information to find potential threats, leads on important cases and squash out conspiracy theories that might have a bit of truth to them? “You go web 2.0,” an undercover CIA operative tells us. That’s right, the CIA has infiltrated your social networking sites.

“We’ve been watching the internet for a while, but, now it’s really time to get involved. It’s great stuff. Not only can I search for, find, link to and tag anti-government propaganda with ease, I can search through a database of all of it quickly with Google Blogsearch,” our blurry, mosaic operative told tells us. It’s true. We discovered that our CIA guy was indeed using del.icio.us to tag all of his findings. When questioned why he would use a public service, he told us, “We do stupid things like that all of the time. Remember the Bin Laden video a few weeks back? Yeah, we played that before Al-Queda released it, tipping them off to the fact we had undercover agents intercepting their communications. Oops!”

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