Ever wonder why the system only produces horrible, unaccountable candidates for president? Many of us are aware of the lesser of two evils principle: the idea that of two bad choices, one isn’t as bad as the other, and should be chosen over the one that is a greater threat. A confused twenty-something living in Manhattan, Josh Hanks, was sick of looking for the answers and consoled in the advice of a Zoltar Fortune Telling machine.

Josh looked stunned at the price of one reading. “I remember as a child you could deposit 5 cents and get a reading… 75 cents seems pushing it,” Josh told us. The quarters clinked callously through the inner workings of the heartless robot, slowly grinding our prophet to life. Josh stood back, ready for the cold, hard truth.

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Shouldn’t things like this be proofread? Well, at least the sample ballots still have a paper trail.

*puts on tin foil hat*