“I closed that tab about halfway into the second paragraph,” shouts Tray Barton, self proclaimed internet ADD sufferer. “I mean, all of the information on the internet excites me to the point of climax, but… I can never get through an article without spacing out and navigating away from the page to find more demotivational posters.”

Tray, like most internetters, has the attention span of a 6 year old on microdots. Not that anyone here on our staff has any experience with secretly feeding 6 year olds that sort of thing laced in Halloween candy in 2005. But all of that is about to change with a new, innovative Firefox extension. The programmer, Charlie Woods, expounded upon the new extension which is due to be released early next year. Now with moar screenshots!

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Why are people still sending us hate mail telling us Macs are better than PCs? I’m back to beat the dead horse with three MORE reasons why Macs suck. As Macs have slowly infiltrated my place of residence, clogging the intranet tubes like Steve Job’s pubic hair in the sink, I’ve become pissed beyond belief. I think Macs suck hard and here are more reasons to not buy one and avoid them at all costs.

You still can’t run Windows Millennium XP on Mac hardware, or any other awesome Microsoft products. Apple hasn’t put out a good operating system since Apple DOS 3.3 and that’s a fact. In an age where I can run Windows Millennium XP alongside Windows 95, why can’t I dual boot yet on a Mac? It is because the snobby, pretentious marketing department at Apple realizes Mac OS 9 will never live up to any Microsoft products. It doesn’t even have Notepad! What kind of operating system doesn’t have that? If I didn’t need notepad, I would run a Linux.

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Sorry so late on these. I should be doing a yearly posting about our favorite comments, just happens that these are quite late and we didn’t do one last year. Here they are, enjoy!

http://www.bluedamage.com/comment-awards-2005-2006/

I am pleased to announce Blue Damage has received a shiny, coveted gadget symbolizing a higher status in the tech community. Yes, it’s an advanced copy of the Apple iPhone. I was able to get my muculent mitts around this cellular device several months in advance. A Mac employee wanting to remain anonymous is a friend of the family. Don’t worry though; it won’t affect our bias at all. In fact, we think the iPhone sucks. Hard. These reasons should give you the right to smack anyone in the face calling the iPhone revolutionary, the end all of mobile computing or the greatest thing since Full House. We liked Full House a lot, especially Dave Coulier. Saying that is almost disrespectful. On to the review, here are a few reasons why the Apple iPhone sucks the proverbial big one.

Right off the bat you realize the iPhone doesn’t come with buttons! Why would they release something without such a modernized convenience? How can you even control it? I’ve tried using wireless bluetooth keyboards, a P2 Dell laptop with Firewire 800, even a cat. How about a got damn slide out keyboard? Nothing. We finally figured out how to control the iPhone. If you use a knife, or some sort of jagged object, you can get the phone to respond to touch commands. However, this left lacerations all over the surface of the phone. They wouldn’t even buff out with a brillo pad! I figured they would have made these things rugged. Not a good start here.

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There are things you love and things that you hate. There are also things you love to hate. Since 95% of the internet deals with things people just plain hate, we decided to do something different. Blue Damage decided to give it a spin, non-hannitized, and discuss things that are really weird to hate.

The first thing on the list Clyesdales. Who sees those Budweiser commercials and says, “God I fucking hate Clyesdales.” No, you look at those commercials and say, “Budweiser tastes like stale chemicals.” You could also hate the company, especially if you were fired from the Keystone Light factory 6 months ago because of a “pale ale” incident. Or, you are just a beer snob because you don’t have any hobbies. Have you ever received a Clyesdale steamer? Anyhow, Clyesdales. No one hates them.

The second thing is the elusive Notary. Yes, it’s quite frustrating when you have to get something notarized, but, we will focus on the actual person who is the Notary. A notary is completely neutral. There is a scenario, however, where you have to go to an actual Notary Service Center and pay a $2.00 fee.

That never happens though. You always find out someone you didn’t think would be a Notary. Like a coworker… or your wife or brother. It’s like a secret society and they probably have their own handshake. One day, it is possible Notaries will take a bigger place as government lobbyists. Then, they will be easily hated by the masses.

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Steve Ballmer hinted today that Vista might be delayed EVEN MORE. Everyone in the IT industry and their mother has been talking about Microsoft pushing the release date back on Vista for nearly a year now. But what exactly are the reasons for this delay, besides Bill Gates obsession with quality? Microsoft has promised so many features that won’t even be included in this release, so, what are we waiting for? We consulted with an industry expert (in the shoe industry but, whatever) about why Microsoft is metaphorically blue balled.

“You are going to be very excited when I tell you this,” John Lavenstein said in an almost mocking tone. “A new version Microsoft Bob will be shipped with Windows Vista. THAT is the reason for the delay.”

A new version of Microsoft Bob? Well, what does that mean for people that weren’t a complete nerd 10 years ago? *Cue cheesy explanation music*

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We received this email message today and were SHOCKED at the things that could happen if you get the computer virus. Below is the email.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internets. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR. Be sure to also destroy your modem, router, mouse, keyboard and any household pets that you own. EVEN PUPPIES. Wash your hands with bleach LIBERALLY after handling said computer.

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We have been receiving some really scary chain letters, so, I thought I’d post them. We can’t figure out if they are real or not, but, they should be taken seriously because we received them on myspace as a bulletin which is official.

Entitled: A scary way to break up.

****I dont believe this, but i got chill bumps …….

A SCARY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!!

One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important.

Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, “I am breaking up with you, you awful …….!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your ………….. life! DUMB ………………..!!!”

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