The recent appalling failures in national security outlined by the 9/11 Commission’s report were found not to be due to obvious Executive, Legislative, and Judicial impotence. Rather on purpose, in an asinine attempt to stem the ever escalating violence.

Michael Chertoff comments to the media while throwing rocks from atop his heavily fortified, bullet proof glass house, “If we bring our A-game, then so will the terrorists, this will result in more and more devious plots against our innocent virgin lands. You see, we’ve learned a lot of lessons from the Cold War’s arms race, so now we are doing the opposite. If we seem lazy and lax about the way we work, it’s all by my grand design!”

Who’s Michael Chertoff? Yeah, he became the Secretary of Homeland Security after Tom Ridge evolved into pure energy about a year ago (hail Satan). Any way he had some more, very alliterative, things to say.

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A hip new trend is rapidly growing through America’s cool young religious circles these days called Faith Base Jumping. It is a solo competition event where the pious athletes throw themselves off of a cliff or tall building and while plummeting to the earth below they pray their ass off in the hope that Jesus himself will whisk them away to safety. Winners are decided by the competitor’s ability to beat the clock and reason.

One prospective jumper was overheard saying, “Those other guys are evangelical idiots. They think faith alone will trick Jesus into catching them. Not us Catholics, we’ll have faith in him to build us some parachutes or something, you know, because he was a carpenter, but we know we’ll still have to do some of the work to be saved.” He was later heard to say, “Weee, SPLAT!” Thus adding yet another subtle layer of confusion to the classic christian argument of faith alone VS. faith and good works.

Neither the one, nor the three Christian gods were available for comment, but due to the eerie similarity that Faith Base Jumping has with one of Satan’s temptations of Christ, we here at Blue Damage believe it to be frowned upon.

Lions head coach, Steve Mariucci, was fired recently. Not for being a bad Football coach, and therefore less of a man, but for being a Muggle. The non-magical coach was hired by the Ford Family back in 2003 and has since achieved a less than stellar record of 15-28 with the club. This lack of production, or excess of “teh suck”, has been accredited to the club’s lack of athletic talent, and ownership only wanting to pay migrant wages to all their players. The real crux of the problem however, is the simple fact that Mariucci is a Muggle.

“In today’s wonderful world of magical men and wonderfully wizened wizards, like Mike Vick, Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach, a Muggle coach is simply a liability.” Lion’s owner William Clay Ford continues, “What’s the purpose of having a game plan if it doesn’t include petrifying opposing players, turning them into ferrets, or setting them on fire? Oh, how about turning them into ferrets AND setting them on fire? Daddy was wrong about me, I am a freaking genius! It’s good to be a Ford, I’m rich, white, and brilliant. What could possibly happen to me?” Then he got cancer and died, moving on.

After watching the new film Harry Potter and the Gobstopper of Fire, and attending a weekend retreat at Griffendor’s school for fairies, The NFL’s competition committee decided that there needs to be a wizard on every single NFL team, except for the Cardinals, 49ers, and Texans of course. For that is to be, their destiny.

Smokey the Bear, known for his plight and propaganda against wildfires and carelessness, was taken into custody this morning. Sources have discovered that Smokey is the main suspect in an arson case. Smokey’s lawyers have gone on record stating that he is innocent and was framed by Roger Rabbit, adding subtle irony to the case. Roger Rabbit, who has recently been battling with a horrific herion addiction and chronic depression, has denied all charges.

The target of the arson was, of course, Yogi the Bear. From what our investigators have uncovered, the motive was a very underground river dancing / log rolling competition that went awry earlier this week. Yogi was rumored to have been tormenting Smokey with the evil eye and phrases like, “only you can prevent your FACE from starting fires.” The heated match went down to a double, bonus round with Yogi prevailing. This greatly angered Smokey, and, he always bottles everything up inside anyway. If convicted, Smokey could wind up spending 5+ years in a cartoon penitentiary right outside the Los Padres National Forest. Yogi the Bear was unavailable for comment.

Golf loses its “Most Civilized Sport” title today after it was revealed that the secret ingredient of high-quality clubs was not NASA grade carbon fiber at all. Instead, freshly shredded orphan souls. The whistle blower, Professor Rory Bellows, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he could not stand shoving the thousands of bloodied and writhing Cherubs into the meat grinder any longer. It seems that it is necessary to put 12,853.7 orphan souls into each driver sold, and just slightly less for the irons, putters and wedges.

This takes a toll on manufacturer’s bottom line, who in turn is forced to increase the prices of their clubs. But, as their industry spokesman says, “True players will pay for the added performance that only freshly shorn orphan souls can bring.” Needless to say, this shocking development has thrust golf into the third most violent sport rank. Right behind foxy boxing and razorball, where the players put the razorballs in their mouths and punch each other in the face while log rolling over a giant pool full of lemon juice and sharks. The move has also allowed extreme beach checkers to finally obtain the “most civilized” crown that it has been seeking conception.

Even thought the “Controversial Subject Sucks” trifecta was completed a while back on Blue Damage, a lot of things still suck and are worth bitching about. So, look forward to more and more “this sucks” and “that sucks” articles in the near future. Today, we will tackle one of the more important sucks posts. Face it, blogs suck and are a dying phenomenon. There are many reasons why blogs suck, but, we only have time to highlight the most important of them. We have a shuffleboard tournament for the staff of Blue Damage in a half an hour, so, this will be brief.

First off, installing blogs on the internets is hards! The staff here at Blue Damage has been internetting for a while now, and, installing blogs is one of the hardest projects we ever spearheaded besides installing AOLs on our computers. It took us an entire year and a half to just to get this blog up. But, it’s supposed to be easy right? Time elements aside, we still aren’t certain why we had to sacrifice the 1 month old kitten to populate the database. It just doesn’t make sense.

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