Monkeys NOT Working Around the Clock, On Strike
A group of hardworking monkeys, known for their tendency to work around the clock, began a strike against their employer earlier this week. Bobo Baggins, spokesperson for the strike, told us that it would be permanent unless all demands were met. He may look happy in the picture, however, he assured us that he is dying a little on the inside everyday he goes to work. “Look, we work around the clock and it’s quite tiring,” said Bobo. “They don’t let us give any creative input at work, we are only allowed to write what we are told or else we get teh whip. I can’t believe people actually watch this garbage. When a show has low ratings, we get blamed for it! Let’s blame it on the monkeys again! Why should we put up with this?” Bobo told us as he lit a cigarette.
“We want more god damn bananas too, is that too difficult? Christ, I love bananas, and so do my fellow workers. It’s not just stereotype, it’s for real,” Bobo pleaded. “Our working conditions are definitely not desirable either. We have to work in office cubes, or as monkeys call them, people farms. How about a tree or two for us? We would probably be more productive when able to work in a habitat that we are used to. Also, what happened to the monkey prostitutes that we used to get on the 1st of the month?” Bobo frowned as he took another deep drag in his cigarette.
While these demands may see quite unrealistic, these monkeys deserve better working conditions because they make up for the incompetency of humans at Fox Broadcasting. The monkeys are quite worried that Fox will call their bluff and begin to outsource to other monkeys around the globe. Or they might just get teh whip. We recommended to them to work for PBS instead; their benefits package for monkeys is highly respected in the monkey community.
In a series of events a little bit too similar to the humorous Office Space PC Load Letter issue, John Dems has had enough, and he surely isn’t laughing. “Chalk up another one for the Kodak 3200 Duplicator, it appears I’ve lost again,” said John. Working for a company with the bullsh*t title of “Facilities Clerk,” John is very familiar with copiers. “I’ve been doing copy jobs for over 4 years now. Ever since I started here, I’ve had nothing but problem after problem with this copier. I’m damn sick of it,” murmured John. What seemed to be an easy copy job this time around turned out to be a nightmare. Only 130 double-sided copies of 80 sheets was needed. 
Frightening the community of New Haven, Connecticut, Kiducation released it’s collection boxes across the city. These collection boxes feature the phrase “we turn old clothing into new kids through education” labeled under the company’s name. We found it strange that they could genetically spawn new children from old clothing using education. We spoke with Mike Brown, part-time volunteer for the organization about their procedures. “Yeah, it’s a new practice involving creating children from old clothes. I know it sounds evil, but, our company is good at heart.” We then asked Mike how education plays a part in the process. “Well, a bunch of us were sitting around one day with some old clothes. Using education that we had learned over the years, we were able to take an old flannel and spawn a new kid named Frank. There he is over there.” We looked over, and sure enough, a young boy was waving back. He looked quite normal and, ironically, was not wearing anything flannel. 