We have been receiving a lot of email lately about the information apocalypse, which deals with the internet crashing or the internet disappearing completely. While we doubt that this will ever happen, some people want to be on top of things in case this ever does. We don’t blame you! Yes, people want a backup of the internet. This may sound like a joke, but, it’s for real.

What good is the internet if it disappears? It’s not like anyone is archiving the entire internet as we speak. That’s why we have written this quick guide on how to back up the internet with the beginner in mind. Before we get started, make sure you have the necessary items to complete this task. You will need a computer, an internet and some floppy disks.

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This is a joke. If you feel like being entertained, read on. Otherwise, check the comment here.

An administrator of the Blue Distortion Forums has taken Search Engine Optimization (SEO) a bit too far for phpBB. We met up with this administrator to see what approach he is taking and ask him a few questions. “Well, most of the search engines don’t like dynamic php pages [such as viewtopic.php?t=1] as much as static, html pages. I decided that, the easiest way to do this, is to just have everyone email me their topics and replies to topics and I will hand code all of the threads,” said the administrator. “I really can’t think of an easier way. It seems like it will be quite efficient. I think I’m going to start sometime next week.”

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Installing tracking devices in dogs just looks silly now. Japanese toy maker Tomy Co. Ltd. launched a new product called “Wonderful Shot” yesterday at a cost of 9,240 yen (87 dollars). It can take pictures from the device and allow you to view the world from a “dog’s point of view.” As evident in the picture, dogs find this really exciting and wonder how they lived without it for so long. The camera also has an optional shocking feature, allowing you to easily deliver 140 volts of electricity to the dog if they are doing something wrong. The self explosion feature, which kills the dog on impact, was developed alongside the product, but never actually implemented in any of the devices. Plans are in the making for a “Wonderful Shot” hybrid with satellite connection allowing you to record real-time videos from the dogs point of view. Think about how exciting that would be, 24 hours of footage a day available in dog vision! Unfortunately, dog voyeurists outside of Japan will not be able to enjoy this wonderful luxury as the Tomy Co. has no plans to export the product.

US sports tycoon Malcolm Glazer, who now owns nearly 28% of Manchester Utd, has ended talks with the club over a few issues. United said Mr Glazer’s proposed move was “not in the best interests” of the club because it relied too much on borrowed money. Also, it doesn’t help that Glazer appears to be a large version of a leprechaun on crack. “He really is scary looking. We don’t want him to represent United. Shave the fricking scary beard and get your teeth whitened for crying out loud,” stated the club. United said that they intended “to have further discussions with the Glazer family and other interested shareholders once they are able to deal with Glazer’s appearance.” It is up in the air when this could be.

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The latest tech sensation is blogging, a new form of media that is sweeping the internet with it’s cold and sweaty hands. No doubt, the hundreds of new bloggers that pop up daily can attest to this. Blogging is huge! However, many people don’t realize the hazardous and possibly deadly addiction that it is to blog.

A correspondent of Blue Damage caught up with Michael Jimberly, roommate of Tom Burgess who recently died blogging. Michael recalls the beginning days of Tom’s blog addiction. “It started off quite innocent. He would come home from work, spend a few minutes writing on his blog and he would be finished,” Michael said. “Then he started to change. He would be blogging for hours upon hours a day, it was quite scary.”

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Authorities were shocked today when they finally located and arrested a young boy by the name of Frederick Murdong who was residing in Tampa, Florida. Frederick was accused of murdering Doc Phillips, a neighbor of a openly different faith (Mormon). Sheriff Bob Wilson told us, “Apparently, Frederick had killed Doc over religious differences. This is the first time we have actually heard of such a case involving killing and religion.” Alarming indeed. Where religion was once a thing to bring different cultures together in harmony, it is sad to see people now killing over such a thing.

Frederick, an avid catholic, was known for his suspicious behavior. After struggling with alcholism and a terrible crystal meth addiction for over 30 years, he finally began to believe in God. “He was such a good person, I don’t see why he would just snap like this,” said his wife Barbara. “I mean, couldn’t he have killed a Jehovah’s Witness instead?” While it is quite surprising that someone would kill in the name of religion, we can only hope that this trend won’t continue.

Part of the Blue Distortion team pointed out to me last night to check out a new song entitled “911 is a Joke” by Public Enemy. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as our correspondent was relaying the song title… 911 is a joke? Public Enemy has made another enemy in the process of putting out this terrible song. How dare Chuck D call what happened on 9/11 a joke. It was one of the most horrific terrorists attacks to ever happen on American soil. To think I once considered Chuck D a great MC.

A quote from the lyrics “So get up get, get get down / 911 is a joke in yo town,” says it all. I hate to tell you Chuck, but 9/11 was not a joke in my town! I certainly won’t be getting up to get down to celebrate something like this. FYI: many people didn’t find these terrorist attacks funny at all, more along the lines of a national tragedy. “I call a cab ’cause a cab will come quicker / The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker,” is another infamous line from this song. I don’t know what he is trying to say here because I have a hard time understanding black culture, but I’m sure it is terrorist lingo.

Linguistics experts around the world today have noticed a disturbing trend. Blue Damage caught up with an expert Dennis Noblewood for more information on the problem. “It’s quite shocking. There are so many meanings to the acronym AP. It’s just beginning to get ridiculous.” AP can stand for many things, including, but not limited to: admiralty pattern, all politics, acellular pertussis, accuracy problem, advanced placement, access point, artist proof, and attitude and persistence, just to name a few. When searching for more words, our team of investigators became overwhelmed, melting under the pressure of truthful journalism. A few people are even beginning to use it for words that don’t even have 2 letters to begin with such as armed forces pacific or anteroposterior.

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