Ever wonder why the system only produces horrible, unaccountable candidates for president? Many of us are aware of the lesser of two evils principle: the idea that of two bad choices, one isn’t as bad as the other, and should be chosen over the one that is a greater threat. A confused twenty-something living in Manhattan, Josh Hanks, was sick of looking for the answers and consoled in the advice of a Zoltar Fortune Telling machine.

Josh looked stunned at the price of one reading. “I remember as a child you could deposit 5 cents and get a reading… 75 cents seems pushing it,” Josh told us. The quarters clinked callously through the inner workings of the heartless robot, slowly grinding our prophet to life. Josh stood back, ready for the cold, hard truth.

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Shouldn’t things like this be proofread? Well, at least the sample ballots still have a paper trail.

*puts on tin foil hat*

“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed. Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out. “Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”

Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.” We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.

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The internet has a lot of information on it… well, that’s an understatement. It is estimated to have over 1,000 floppy disks worth of data just throughout America alone. How would a CIA agent go through all that information to find potential threats, leads on important cases and squash out conspiracy theories that might have a bit of truth to them? “You go web 2.0,” an undercover CIA operative tells us. That’s right, the CIA has infiltrated your social networking sites.

“We’ve been watching the internet for a while, but, now it’s really time to get involved. It’s great stuff. Not only can I search for, find, link to and tag anti-government propaganda with ease, I can search through a database of all of it quickly with Google Blogsearch,” our blurry, mosaic operative told tells us. It’s true. We discovered that our CIA guy was indeed using del.icio.us to tag all of his findings. When questioned why he would use a public service, he told us, “We do stupid things like that all of the time. Remember the Bin Laden video a few weeks back? Yeah, we played that before Al-Queda released it, tipping them off to the fact we had undercover agents intercepting their communications. Oops!”

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New Delhi (AP) – Computer super power Dell has taken corporate sponsorship to the next level. Following in the proud tradition of the Coors Brewing Company, America West Airlines and RCA, Dell has decided to sponsor something on a much larger scale – a nation’s capital.

Pioneering the concept of putting your companies name on an arbitrary public attraction was America West Airlines in 1989. For a mere 26 million dollars AWA purchased a 20-year contract to have its name plastered all over the arena that houses the Phoenix Suns and Coyotes (NBA and NHL respectively). By all accounts this was a good deal. Less than a million dollars a year to have your name mentioned in every single televised home game for the two Phoenix franchises as well as the millions of faithful Phoenix fans and residents that pass by the arena every year. Compared to the 180 million paid by Royal Phillips Electronics to get their name onto the arena that houses the abysmally unexciting Atlanta Hawks and Thrashers (again NBA and NHL respectively) for 20 years, the AWA deal could be considered nothing less than a steal.

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Well, Dick Cheney is at it again, with his wacky dance moves and delicious homemade cannoli rolls. However, the latest with the Vice President unfortunately doesn’t involve wacky dancing or cannoli rolls. Cheney, in order to greasily slip his way out of providing classified information for the National Archives, told them that he a robot. Robots apparently aren’t subject to the same rules and regulations as humans, especially robots that breathe fire.

Cheney’s position is that he is ‘not included in the definition of ‘human’ as set forth in the Order’ and ‘does not consider himself anything else besides ‘a robot only capable of the cold, hard truth,’” a National Archives official David Addington claimed about the now immortal Cheney. “We just don’t know how to deal with him. He’s a monster!” Other members of the National Archives are also very worried with the latest. “What will he tell us next? That the Vice President isn’t part of the Executive Branch?!” Stan Russo, one of David’s colleagues, told us.

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“Ok, I’ll admit,” Secret Galactic Overlord Zurbox claimed, “Using recovered alien technology reverse engineered into voting machines doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.” It pulled up his gamma-trousers, adjusted its omni-cod-piece, and continued.

“It all started as a search for a cost efficient alternative to mind control. Brain washing the masses is a very subtle and costly process. I thought that we could cut out the middle man, you know humanity itself and go straight to controlling the voting machines…” The monster waited a predetermined moment to survey the effect its speech was having. The confused and hostile human faces staring back were disconcerting it. “Time for Zorbox to pour on the old Galgapootin charm,” Zorbox thought to itself in the third person. (Oh, didn’t I mention it was from Galgapoot? It’s not really important as this is the only time it comes up.)

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Accountability is the Republican theme for the upcoming election next month. Congress recently passed the The Read the Bills Act of 2006, which will finally force our elected officials to read the laws that they have been passing. Without reading. Yes, it came as a shock to us as well that the government has been passing so many laws for years that didn’t even get as much as a considerate, even if spurious, glance. “I don’t even know what I’m voting for anymore,” Ted Kennedy said in a low, sobering tone. Ted Kennedy passed the Blue Label. We took a quick swig.

“You see, how we sneak our own personal agendas into bills is to place small, extremely difficult to understand clauses deep within our bills that no one catches. The small text works wonders. This way, we have our loopholes. It’s been working this way for years, but, it will stop with this bill.” Ted told us.

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