For three very wet and slimy months, our staff Sex-o-chiatrist, Max Power, has been pulling double duty as a war correspondent embedded with the Marines. He was with a pod of covert, marine, placental mammals, known simply as whales to you common folk, that have been performing various hit and run style operations against their human oppressors. They do this not only disrupt vital human war operations, but to show everyone that they have some balls too. Of course the end result was that they breached the surface, cleared their blow holes, and provided some excellent photo opportunities to the various whale watching boats in the vicinity. (Visit Chukchi Bay Alaska, You’ll Have A Whale Of A Wonderful Time!)

Perhaps it is the seeming ineptitude of their struggle that led to the next shocking twist. Perhaps it is the fact that most humans are, still very much unaware that they’ve hurt the whales feelings, and killed them, quite so badly. But in no short time Max Power was granted an interview with a Sergeant McHumpy, a whale with a difference. He is a whale who, in exchange for his protection, is willing betray his kin by revealing the quadruple-secret location of the final whale city.

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The secret liberal's War on Christmas has taken a very twisted turn; and it doesn't involve candy canes. Richard Smith, a professional baker and lover of fine wine, died earlier today at the hands of a unnamed man being held in custody. We have confirmed with local authorities that this was the result of a "Happy Holidays" wish to a devout Christmas enthusiast.

"I saw the whole thing," said Todd, an 'innocent bystander.' "Richard paid for his wine and wished the guy a happy holiday. The cashier became infuriated and followed Richard out. I turned around and right before my eyes, I watched the street run red AND green. Well, the street was already green because someone dropped some green wrapping paper right around the scene of the murder. How's that for ironic?"

According to police records, this is the first offense for the unnamed man. "You just don't know anymore," said Sheriff Bob Horne. "I don't even wish people a Happy Holiday or a Merry Christmas for the fear of being persecuted or ridiculed. How am I supposed to know what religion someone is or if they will get offended? Maybe we should start wearing a patch that signifies our religion, it would make things a LOT easier," he said.

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California Congressman Randy “Duke” Cunningham resigned yesterday for being slightly less corrupt than his peers. “It’s not like I haven’t tried my best to be a proper evil politician, but something was always holding me back." He said, while sobbing like a bitch. "For one thing, when ever any one said they were thinking of the needs of their constituents, they really meant their bank account. Not me,” he hung his fat head in shame. ”Not at first.”

That’s where this whole bribery thing started for poor old Duke. He felt emasculated by the other “more evil” politicians and was never invited to any of their cool evil parties. So he did what any of us, privileged, white, millionaires would do. He pulled a few strings with defense contracts to pay for the antique bling and yacht club fees he so desperately needed to build his repugnant reputation, his malevolence meter, his greed gauge.

Recent evidence has been uncovered showing that former Congressman Cunningham’s standard political issue Soul-ectomy surgery was botched resulting in his conscience still being partially intact. The doctors, being evil themselves, thought it to be cruel, ironic, and quite funny. And so, they kept their mouths shut. This allowed Cunningham to be evil enough to pass by, but just too moral to deal with the daily bribes, fraud, lies, blackmail, sex, murders, hip-hop music, intern urinating, and kitten kicking that is synonymous with a political career.

In a response to the recent allegations, Washington downgraded their torture techniques earlier today. The White House held a press conference; there was much rejoicing. Before the conference could begin, Judith Miller interrupted everyone and started screaming about being the center of attention. Her new book, entitled "Why I Don't Like Being the Center of Attention and a Hardcore Bitch," will be released sometime before Christmas. She then, according to sources, pleasured Rove orally in the backseat of a Volkswagon in accordance with the prophecy.

After Miller's outburst, Scott McClellan's baby hands and fat face had the following to say. "Well, the administration was wrong to lower America's standards to these horrific levels of torture and corruption. We have decided on a new form of extracting crucial information to help us with the fight against the terrorists. We have downgraded our torture policy to tickling machines."

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Blue Damage had an opportunity to speak with John Roberts today about a few subjects of interest to him. Future Chief Justice John Roberts told us that he was considering renaming the Supreme Court the "Extreme" Court once he is confirmed. "It's rock and roll baby! Are you ready to ROCK?!" John Roberts screamed.

While Blue Damage is ALWAYS ready to rock at the drop of a hat, we were slightly confused why at his Senate confirmation hearing, he wasn't actually confirming anything. "Yes, I am leaving everybody in the dark on key issues, except for the fact that I love the movie Dr. Zhivago. That got a few laughs didn't it," Roberts joked. "What can I say, it's a good movie."

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Mother nature, with it's sexy winds and blistering sun, was the latest target of Washington's axis of evil earlier this week. After Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, a lot of politicians are saying enough is enough. "It's hard work," said President Bush. "American's have resolve and we will win the fight against mother nature, and spread freedom around the world. I will not rest or go on vacation for months at a time until we have mother nature in custody, dead or alive." Many were shocked to hear that a war against mother nature is being funded by a nation drowning in debt, none the less being held at all.

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“Retail stores are not doing a very good job of parenting,” booms a self-righteous Senator Clinton as she dismounts her 25 foot tall robotic Clydesdale. “I mean, we entrust the raising of our children to these institutions and all they seem to care about is money,” she finishes, while wiping the dust and dung from her boots and giving it a taste. She is of course referring to the recent scandal in which pseudo sexual relations can be unlocked in the PC version of Grand Theft Auto San Andreas.

Senator Clinton retires to the comfort of her magical, flying log cabin. A glass of Sutter Home in her right hand, a thick Icelandic cigar clenched between her tobacco stained teeth. Barely wearing a revealing red teddy at all, she sprawls herself in front of the fire. Her legs are open, wide open. She has no sign of shame on her crudely painted face, and no sign of attempts to cover her shame either (droopy curtains).

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Security experts around the world are calling it a terrible idea, but, what do security experts know anyway? The House has already passed the bill and today, the Senate will pass, without debate, the Real ID card. Debate and serious thought are really overrated anyway, especially when it comes to taking away more freedoms from the American people. Politicians sneakily slipped this bill into a request for funding for Iraq, which will obviously be passed without question.

We interviewed Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, said to be the initiator of this bill, about the potential benefits of the Real ID act and how it will help to fight terrorism. "The Real ID [National ID Card] will aid in protecting this country from the terrorists that could strike at any time. They will also help us in the fight for freedom. The greatest thing about these wonderful Real ID cards is they can also be used as credit cards! We are offering a really low APR for the first 6 months (5%), it's a great bargain for thrifty spenders that also are scared to death about terrorism," Congressman Sensenbrenner told us.

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