Tensions mounted yesterday in the White House after rumors spread about a possible love interest between Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and President George W Bush. George Bush didn’t actually deny the gossip either. “I have to say I’ve got a thing for Prince Abdullah. Or, as I like to call him, Fab Ab,” George Bush said earlier today. Prince Abdullah was unavailable for comment.

Our Blue Damage representatives in Texas have confirmed that things are moving quickly. They just might be going steady by the end of the week. “They really do have a lot in common. Besides the whole royalty thing, they are both advocates of misinformation and propaganda, profiting at the expense of the majority of their citizens, in on the whole 9/11 deal etc.” said our correspondent Chris Vatome. “I mean, this relationship really might work.”

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The John Bolton nomination fiasco has been quite entertaining to watch and read about, no doubt. It’s been like watching Godzilla get appointed to Secretary of State. So, should John Bolton be elected as US Ambassador for the UN? “Wait, what about Michael Bolton? I celebrate his entire collection,” you might be saying.

It’s a toss up really. The UN does need to go through reform to curb the inefficiency and corruption, however, why would the UN be efficient and honest when EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT IN THE WORLD isn’t? Also, John Bolton has ties with James Baker. Nuff said. That’s why John Bolton’s nomination should be scrapped and replaced with his moustache. Here are the arguments.

First off, moustaches are cool, way cooler than John Bolton. When was the last time you heard of a moustache snapping out and threatening the UN Secretarial Building with a terrorist attack by “lopping off 10 floors?” Moustaches don’t flip out, they are cool and confident at all times due to their awesome nature. The only people that should be able to flip out and still be awesome are ninjas, everyone knows this. John Bolton is an angry man, caused by his ferocious appetite for newborn babies.

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The Executive Branch of the US Government has been in secret talks with the Judicial Branch over a possible merger that could take place within the next few months. CEO of the Executive branch, George Bush, was quoted as saying, “Executive branch… that’s what it is… it’s Executive. Meaning we execute branches… of freedom. I know that it’s been this way for a while… but times are changing and our resolve is strong.”

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Another Bin Laden propaganda tape was released today to the world. There are apparently many things that have changed in the last few months with Bin Laden. The reason for Jihad is one of them. “Well, it loosely translates to we need more cowbell,” said interpreter Gene Shalls after analyzing the new tape. Translators and our team of investigators have been working around the clock trying to find the cowbell connection. It appears that Bin Laden has abandoned his hatred for the West and channeled it into love for cowbell.

The new video is leaving many insurgents confused and strangely aroused. Apparently, in the Koran, a cowbell symbolizes male fertility, or at least that’s what our investigators have found out. Already, across the Middle East, cowbell demand has gone up close to 1029%! That’s a lot of cowbell. The caves in Afghanistan will certainly be reverberating with the most pleasant sounding musical instrument ever, that we can be thankful for.

After a long 4-year trial, Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi was just cleared of all corruption charges. “I was right to be calm because I knew fully well I had done nothing wrong,” said the Prime Minister. He was accused of bribing judges in the 1980’s to help his business interests. “Yeah, I had to pay these judges a lot more this time around with inflation and all,” said Silvio. “That and, you know, the whole ethics thing. These judges weren’t as easily bought off as I remember back in the day.”

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The most important trials ever held in Iraq is undoubtedly those against Saddam and his evil regime. However, the trial just became a little more worrisome for prosecutors. Vital evidence for the forthcoming trials of the ousted president Saddam Hussein and other officials, has been lost or tainted. Everyone agrees that security expert John Clemmor is to blame. “I really do apologize for this. I mean, those documents were right here, like, a couple days ago,” John stated. With a cool glass of lemonade spritzer in one hand and his Danielle Steel novel in the other, John didn’t look too concerned.

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In a turn of events that shocked both the right and the left, Nader swept the presidential ballot like those neat Swiffer Sweepers that shoot that cleaning solution. Those things are fricking great. It was a landslide victory, with Nader taking almost 80% of the votes nationwide. Nader even took Texas. “I had no idea I could win this election. I mean, I don’t even have a plan for what I’m going to do as president,” Nader chuckled. “I have a few good ideas, but, that’s about it right now.”

Apparently, by the outcome of this election, Americans are sick and tired of having to choose between two evil parties that are both detrimental to the very essence of our country. They are sick of being sold out by corporate interests and the corruption that comes with greed in the Republican and Democratic parties. Seriously.

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When no one else will take blame for the missing 380 tons of explosives in Iraq, certainly sercurity officer John Clemmor will. “I just wanted to apologize for the lost 380 tons of explosives that has gone missing in Iraq,” said John. “It’s kind of my fault I guess, I was supposed to be guarding it and stuff. I was really caught up that day in this Danielle Steel novel I was reading.” John said he was sorry and wouldn’t let it happen again. John’s friend Roger, also a security expert in the military, had some kind words about John. “John really is a great guy. It’s true, he is a little drifty at times, especially when he is engaged in those Danielle Steel novels. He reads those books like they are going out of style.”

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