There are things you love and things that you hate. There are also things you love to hate. Since 95% of the internet deals with things people just plain hate, we decided to do something different. Blue Damage decided to give it a spin, non-hannitized, and discuss things that are really weird to hate.

The first thing on the list Clyesdales. Who sees those Budweiser commercials and says, “God I fucking hate Clyesdales.” No, you look at those commercials and say, “Budweiser tastes like stale chemicals.” You could also hate the company, especially if you were fired from the Keystone Light factory 6 months ago because of a “pale ale” incident. Or, you are just a beer snob because you don’t have any hobbies. Have you ever received a Clyesdale steamer? Anyhow, Clyesdales. No one hates them.

The second thing is the elusive Notary. Yes, it’s quite frustrating when you have to get something notarized, but, we will focus on the actual person who is the Notary. A notary is completely neutral. There is a scenario, however, where you have to go to an actual Notary Service Center and pay a $2.00 fee.

That never happens though. You always find out someone you didn’t think would be a Notary. Like a coworker… or your wife or brother. It’s like a secret society and they probably have their own handshake. One day, it is possible Notaries will take a bigger place as government lobbyists. Then, they will be easily hated by the masses.

more…

At our noon meeting, the editor here at Blue Damage, my boss, pulled me aside to his office. “Great!” I thought, “How many times do I have to suck this guy off before I get my wife’s severed foot back?” But it had absolutely nothing to do with that, it was about an interview for me to do with a famous white supremacist author. This man has evidently splintered off from the main stream hatred and is creating a fresh new movement for other, similar minded Aryan assholes to get behind.

Now I admit, I had a bunch of preconceived notions of white toothless hicks, banjo music, belly butting fingering, and anal sodomy. But my editor assured me, they have a great dental plan. Today’s hate filled mountain folk are much more sophisticated than their earlier predecessors. They have made use of all sorts of modern amenities including the tooth brush and racist robot sentry droids, capable of identifying ethnic intruders then acting loud and ignorant until the trespasser leaves in disgust. I, being well educated and therefore very white, was granted admittance to meet their leader.

Chris Crossburner is an incredibly well spoken inbred hick. He is middle aged, perhaps 45, has balding strawberry blond hair, cut in the traditional mullet, and is very physically imposing due to him being a 9 foot tall mongoloid cyborg, trained in the deadly arts of Ninjitsu and hate speech. We sat down on the porch for a spot of tea.

more…

A hip new trend is rapidly growing through America’s cool young religious circles these days called Faith Base Jumping. It is a solo competition event where the pious athletes throw themselves off of a cliff or tall building and while plummeting to the earth below they pray their ass off in the hope that Jesus himself will whisk them away to safety. Winners are decided by the competitor’s ability to beat the clock and reason.

One prospective jumper was overheard saying, “Those other guys are evangelical idiots. They think faith alone will trick Jesus into catching them. Not us Catholics, we’ll have faith in him to build us some parachutes or something, you know, because he was a carpenter, but we know we’ll still have to do some of the work to be saved.” He was later heard to say, “Weee, SPLAT!” Thus adding yet another subtle layer of confusion to the classic christian argument of faith alone VS. faith and good works.

Neither the one, nor the three Christian gods were available for comment, but due to the eerie similarity that Faith Base Jumping has with one of Satan’s temptations of Christ, we here at Blue Damage believe it to be frowned upon.

Cats are the coolest pets of them all. Why you ask? Here’s how it is. If each pet’s personality matched the intoxication effects of a drug, dogs would be drunk, birds would be stoned, snakes would be on PCP, but cats are on acid. Cats will sit there and stare at a wall for hours. They way that they hunt their prey is awesome, whether it be a bird or a crumpled up piece of paper. It is very intriguing. Their eyes are hypnotizing.

more…

That’s right, CBS has to pay half of a million dollars ($550,000 to be exact) for their “wardrobe malfunction” during the superbowl. I’m sure it shocked and offended SO many people. After all, who would want their innocent children to see such outlandish and disgraceful things on television. I’m so outraged as well! I couldn’t stop talking about it for months after it happened.

more…