“The tragedy of the whole thing is that candles are so beautiful,” Chemist Benjamin Jones exhaustedly affirmed. Jones was dressed in a Batman costume, however, for the sake of truthful journalism, we decided to hear him out. “Certain types of candles emit toxic chemicals that nearly train the mind to become malleable. The high concentrations of benzene, toluene, acetone, lead and sometimes even psilocybin in our candles is one of many efforts of controlling the minds of the people.”

Jones has spent quite a bit of time researching and doing testing on candles in his 20 year, government-funded study of the subject. When asked why candles, he responded that, “It is part of a greater plan. I assure you that candles aren’t the only method of mind control with chemicals, specifically here in the US.” We requested Jones explain to us who the major players are in this soothing game of cerebral governance.

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Well, Dick Cheney is at it again, with his wacky dance moves and delicious homemade cannoli rolls. However, the latest with the Vice President unfortunately doesn’t involve wacky dancing or cannoli rolls. Cheney, in order to greasily slip his way out of providing classified information for the National Archives, told them that he a robot. Robots apparently aren’t subject to the same rules and regulations as humans, especially robots that breathe fire.

Cheney’s position is that he is ‘not included in the definition of ‘human’ as set forth in the Order’ and ‘does not consider himself anything else besides ‘a robot only capable of the cold, hard truth,’” a National Archives official David Addington claimed about the now immortal Cheney. “We just don’t know how to deal with him. He’s a monster!” Other members of the National Archives are also very worried with the latest. “What will he tell us next? That the Vice President isn’t part of the Executive Branch?!” Stan Russo, one of David’s colleagues, told us.

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The latest statement in “green” technology is without doubt hybrid automobiles. However, even hybrid automobiles still require burning large amounts of fossil fuels, regardless of how advanced the fuel efficiency is. Trey Kaitens, an expert in energy consumption, psychology and rare stamp appraising, has some startling news about the fuel consumption of hybrid drivers. It isn’t pretty like Max Power’s new dress.

“The majority of hybrid drivers actually use the same amount of gasoline, even with higher standards in fuel efficiency,” Trey told us, which didn’t make much sense. Sure, if you compare the fuel efficiency of a Toyota Corolla to a Chevy Silverado Hybrid, the Corolla has the upper hand. However, how could hybrid drivers on average use more gasoline than non-hybrid drivers? Trey explained, “It’s based upon the notion that driving a hybrid feels ’safer’ as far as the environment is concerned.”

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It would come without a shock that the first and only bill that George Bush would veto would have to do with Stem Cell research. Of course, this isn’t news as all as it happened nearly a month ago. However, there are new developments in the story that Blue Damage was able to uncover. But first, we need to explore a little about George Bush and his relationship with these cells. President Bush is one of the most fiscally conservative presidents ever, who has a huge problem with saying yes to throwing away our tax dollars. Just like all Republicans. There are several levels to the word conservative as far as the definition goes, so we will just look at one.

Conservative – Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change.

George Bush highly opposes change, just look at his favoritism of the constitution. Reform, for George Bush, is just another word for big government moving towards totalitarianism, something he won’t be a part of. You know, as he said in his presidential platform in 2000. It’s obvious why George Bush didn’t want to back Stem Cell research. It’s reform. It’s big government. It’s change. Well, that and the children.

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For three very wet and slimy months, our staff Sex-o-chiatrist, Max Power, has been pulling double duty as a war correspondent embedded with the Marines. He was with a pod of covert, marine, placental mammals, known simply as whales to you common folk, that have been performing various hit and run style operations against their human oppressors. They do this not only disrupt vital human war operations, but to show everyone that they have some balls too. Of course the end result was that they breached the surface, cleared their blow holes, and provided some excellent photo opportunities to the various whale watching boats in the vicinity. (Visit Chukchi Bay Alaska, You’ll Have A Whale Of A Wonderful Time!)

Perhaps it is the seeming ineptitude of their struggle that led to the next shocking twist. Perhaps it is the fact that most humans are, still very much unaware that they’ve hurt the whales feelings, and killed them, quite so badly. But in no short time Max Power was granted an interview with a Sergeant McHumpy, a whale with a difference. He is a whale who, in exchange for his protection, is willing betray his kin by revealing the quadruple-secret location of the final whale city.

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Deep within the Midwest, several Intelligent Design “experts” have formed a lobbyist group. A coalition of the willing. They haven’t come up with a name yet because it’s very brand new. Representative from this very brand new group, Tom Watts, had the following to say.

“Look at it like this, science is a religion,” Tom confided. “People don’t really know that though. Unlike the fact based Intelligent Design, Evolution is a theory surrounded with more plot holes than that last episode of Star Wars I, which I boycotted because of the anti-Christian undertones in the film. I mean, have you seen these What Would Jedis Do bracelets? Ridiculous! What I’m trying to get at is, why should science receive government funding if it’s a religion? Our group is against special treatment and these so called “grants” that scientists get for mucking around with wizardry and alchemy. Where do they get the nerve?”

It’s a perplexing scenario indeed. “He has an interesting point. Rarely do I asks the question, what has science done for us lately?” President Bush told us in a rare telephone interview. “And why do these experts get to walk around blabbering on about things like the environment. And this “Gravity.” People should be exposed to different ideas about the beginning of life,” he smiled as he gave us a UFIA.

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Mother nature, with it’s sexy winds and blistering sun, was the latest target of Washington’s axis of evil earlier this week. After Hurricane Katrina destroyed New Orleans, a lot of politicians are saying enough is enough. “It’s hard work,” said President Bush. “American’s have resolve and we will win the fight against mother nature, and spread freedom around the world. I will not rest or go on vacation for months at a time until we have mother nature in custody, dead or alive.” Many were shocked to hear that a war against mother nature is being funded by a nation drowning in debt, none the less being held at all.

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What may come as a shock to a majority of Americans, President Bush announced today that he would like to see alternative creationist theories in science education, theories such as intelligent design. “It’s hard work,” Bush said to reporters. This is obviously long overdue and a great addition to any public school. Bush is calling the initiative, “Intelligence Regression.” After hearing the news, several other religious groups are pushing to have their religious take on creationism being put on the curriculum as well. Religious groups like the Scientologists.

We got a chance to discuss with scientology spokesperson Tom Cruise about George Bush’s new initiative. “I think it’s a great idea… I’m going on Oprah tomorrow to show my support and push my religious agenda into science classes nationwide. This is a historical day! Now the whole world will know the true power of the Scientologists! MUAHAHAHAH!” Tom Cruise then started to jump all around our office, screaming something about a Katie and herpes. That’s all we could make out from what he was saying.

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