Can you smell it? No, not your stinky roommate, not those self-aware half eaten Ramen noodles either. I’m not even referring to your torn up khaki cargo pants, the ones that you loved back in 98, and most likely haven’t washed since. I’m talking about the fear people.

It is the portent of doom and destruction. It is the dark miasma that descends annually to weigh on the already crestfallen souls of every God loving, and fearing, American (Karl Rove, Karl Rove). It is the destroyer of homes and slayer of nations. The mere mention of whom sends the stock market crashing, Arabs dancing, and tiny orphans crying home to their mothers. Yes I am referring to the “Holy shit, it’s coming right for us!” hurricane.

more...

Hundreds of thousands of years of mediation and a few late night viewings of the Matrix have given the Ancient Trees of Wyoming's Yellowstone National Park an epiphany. They don't have to be flammable if they just believe in themselves. It seems that the controlled burns that were thought to help the forest ecosystem actually really pissed them off. Their cruel calculated revenge overwhelmed the unsuspecting park rangers and fat tourists wearing neon fanny packs.

It took only two hours for the state to be closed off and in complete arboreal control. All of Wyoming's native residents were killed after their house plants turned them in. Over 3,000 tourists, both American and other, are currently being held hostage in the Tree's fortified "Death Zone" awaiting the payment of the fanatical flora's demands.

more...

Scientists always have been very intrigued by Titan, the only moon in our entire solar system with an atmosphere of it's own. Clouds in Titan's atmosphere has kept the surface a secret until now. The first color picture from the surface of Saturn's moon was sent back to the European Space Agency's (ESA) Huygens probe a couple days ago. Surprising scientists across the globe, Titan's surface is possibly made out of Viagra. The surface is muddled with small rocks protruding out into the atmosphere.

"We think these stumpy rocks erected from the surface could be made of Super Viagra," said Titan scientist Richard Ishard. "The dark seas of liquid are still a mystery, however. Some are speculating that, instead of methane liquid, it could be some sort of weird, amphibious Viagra lizards living on the surface." This discovery is being received with warm applause and open arms from older men with no blood flow in the lower regions. Mike Shal, a man with erectile dysfunction, is very excited. "I have no idea what this means for me, but, I'm very excited," shouted Mike. Pfizer refused to comment on the findings, but, some sources say they are developing a spaceship to fly to Titan where they can mine Viagra and set up the company headquaters. Still no cure for cancer.

Tom is your average teenager. He works long hours at the local grocery, attends high school, and parties regularly. Recently, Tom has discovered how tired he has been lately. He strenuously pushes himself everyday to find time for everything. One night Tom attends a party; he notices everyone is taking pills. Being an adventurous person, he approaches one of his friends for the pill. He ends up taking two doses of the horrendous drug. After an hour, Tom becomes eccentric, happy-go-lucky, and has developed a lot of energy. Half of the people at the party have taken this pill. They did not take ecstasy, acid or even muscle relaxers. They are not smoking pot, crack, or huffing Glade; they are consuming the latest drug on the market. The kids are calling it "The Big G." The cool kinds in school are taking, using, and abusing it to no end. Tom took 200mg of the latest stuff, Panax pseudoginseng, or better know to the public as Ginseng.

People are always looking for the newest pick-me-up, whether it is coffee, caffeine pills, or even crack/cocaine. The general population of America is now consuming herbs at an alarming rate. Herbs are defined as any plant or plant part that has medical properties. Herb usage has skyrocketed in the last few years; all over America people are taking it for recreational and experimental use. Some commonly found herbs in consumption today are Ginseng and Ginkgo.

more...