“Ok, I’ll admit,” Secret Galactic Overlord Zurbox claimed, “Using recovered alien technology reverse engineered into voting machines doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.” It pulled up his gamma-trousers, adjusted its omni-cod-piece, and continued.

“It all started as a search for a cost efficient alternative to mind control. Brain washing the masses is a very subtle and costly process. I thought that we could cut out the middle man, you know humanity itself and go straight to controlling the voting machines…” The monster waited a predetermined moment to survey the effect its speech was having. The confused and hostile human faces staring back were disconcerting it. “Time for Zorbox to pour on the old Galgapootin charm,” Zorbox thought to itself in the third person. (Oh, didn’t I mention it was from Galgapoot? It’s not really important as this is the only time it comes up.)

more…

When something or someone upsets me I tend to release my angry blood by writing a scathing satire. I unleash a lampoon so pretentious, so crass and so inane that no one in their right mind will understand or appreciate it. The following will be no exception.

But it could have been, oh sweet, slim and sassy Jesus it could have been. I was going to try to be a little more sympathetic with my slander, a bit more likeable with my libel, but that was not to be my destiny. It seems to me that we are all pushed onto certain paths in life for a reason. It’s our responsibility as self-actualized adults to be true to ourselves and follow that path. That’s why I really don’t have a choice in what I’m about to do.

more…

Did you ever wonder why young children do not really understand the concept of beauty? The answer is very simple really. You see, in comparison, the aborigines of Australia don’t understand it when people ask them about their religion, because to them, everything is religion. To the child, everything is beauty. That is why I used to love car rides.

Every Wednesday, after I got home from school, and after I did my home work, my mom and I would drive out of our comfortable suburban neighborhood, down Hutchinson road, and into the Corner plaza to get some ice cream. Why every Wednesday? The answer is simple, you see Wednesdays are in the middle of the school week. The day when all of the stress from Monday and Tuesday weigh down on your shoulders like a third grade bully at recess, and the thought of the two more days until the weekend leaves you disheartened and tired. That is where ice cream comes in.

Car rides are always a sensory explosion of beauty. The trees have chocolate bark and peppermint leaves. There are giant rainbow colored swirl lollipops coming out of the bushes. Every one is smiling and happy. There is this huge world out there and I get to discover all of the beauty that it has to offer. The beginning of my voyage is ice cream. Frozen sugar coated love, a million trillion flavors of happiness to offer, but one stands out above the rest. Placed on a solid gold pedestal embedded with diamonds, rubies, and gobstoppers I approach it, yes, yes, cookies and cream.

more…