A hip new trend is rapidly growing through America’s cool young religious circles these days called Faith Base Jumping. It is a solo competition event where the pious athletes throw themselves off of a cliff or tall building and while plummeting to the earth below they pray their ass off in the hope that Jesus himself will whisk them away to safety. Winners are decided by the competitor’s ability to beat the clock and reason.

One prospective jumper was overheard saying, “Those other guys are evangelical idiots. They think faith alone will trick Jesus into catching them. Not us Catholics, we’ll have faith in him to build us some parachutes or something, you know, because he was a carpenter, but we know we’ll still have to do some of the work to be saved.” He was later heard to say, “Weee, SPLAT!” Thus adding yet another subtle layer of confusion to the classic christian argument of faith alone VS. faith and good works.

Neither the one, nor the three Christian gods were available for comment, but due to the eerie similarity that Faith Base Jumping has with one of Satan’s temptations of Christ, we here at Blue Damage believe it to be frowned upon.

Lions head coach, Steve Mariucci, was fired recently. Not for being a bad Football coach, and therefore less of a man, but for being a Muggle. The non-magical coach was hired by the Ford Family back in 2003 and has since achieved a less than stellar record of 15-28 with the club. This lack of production, or excess of “teh suck”, has been accredited to the club’s lack of athletic talent, and ownership only wanting to pay migrant wages to all their players. The real crux of the problem however, is the simple fact that Mariucci is a Muggle.

“In today’s wonderful world of magical men and wonderfully wizened wizards, like Mike Vick, Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach, a Muggle coach is simply a liability.” Lion’s owner William Clay Ford continues, “What’s the purpose of having a game plan if it doesn’t include petrifying opposing players, turning them into ferrets, or setting them on fire? Oh, how about turning them into ferrets AND setting them on fire? Daddy was wrong about me, I am a freaking genius! It’s good to be a Ford, I’m rich, white, and brilliant. What could possibly happen to me?” Then he got cancer and died, moving on.

After watching the new film Harry Potter and the Gobstopper of Fire, and attending a weekend retreat at Griffendor’s school for fairies, The NFL’s competition committee decided that there needs to be a wizard on every single NFL team, except for the Cardinals, 49ers, and Texans of course. For that is to be, their destiny.

Golf loses its “Most Civilized Sport” title today after it was revealed that the secret ingredient of high-quality clubs was not NASA grade carbon fiber at all. Instead, freshly shredded orphan souls. The whistle blower, Professor Rory Bellows, who wishes to remain anonymous, said that he could not stand shoving the thousands of bloodied and writhing Cherubs into the meat grinder any longer. It seems that it is necessary to put 12,853.7 orphan souls into each driver sold, and just slightly less for the irons, putters and wedges.

This takes a toll on manufacturer’s bottom line, who in turn is forced to increase the prices of their clubs. But, as their industry spokesman says, “True players will pay for the added performance that only freshly shorn orphan souls can bring.” Needless to say, this shocking development has thrust golf into the third most violent sport rank. Right behind foxy boxing and razorball, where the players put the razorballs in their mouths and punch each other in the face while log rolling over a giant pool full of lemon juice and sharks. The move has also allowed extreme beach checkers to finally obtain the “most civilized” crown that it has been seeking conception.