“I closed that tab about halfway into the second paragraph,” shouts Tray Barton, self proclaimed internet ADD sufferer. “I mean, all of the information on the internet excites me to the point of climax, but… I can never get through an article without spacing out and navigating away from the page to find more demotivational posters.”

Tray, like most internetters, has the attention span of a 6 year old on microdots. Not that anyone here on our staff has any experience with secretly feeding 6 year olds that sort of thing laced in Halloween candy in 2005. But all of that is about to change with a new, innovative Firefox extension. The programmer, Charlie Woods, expounded upon the new extension which is due to be released early next year. Now with moar screenshots!

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New Delhi (AP) – Computer super power Dell has taken corporate sponsorship to the next level. Following in the proud tradition of the Coors Brewing Company, America West Airlines and RCA, Dell has decided to sponsor something on a much larger scale – a nation’s capital.

Pioneering the concept of putting your companies name on an arbitrary public attraction was America West Airlines in 1989. For a mere 26 million dollars AWA purchased a 20-year contract to have its name plastered all over the arena that houses the Phoenix Suns and Coyotes (NBA and NHL respectively). By all accounts this was a good deal. Less than a million dollars a year to have your name mentioned in every single televised home game for the two Phoenix franchises as well as the millions of faithful Phoenix fans and residents that pass by the arena every year. Compared to the 180 million paid by Royal Phillips Electronics to get their name onto the arena that houses the abysmally unexciting Atlanta Hawks and Thrashers (again NBA and NHL respectively) for 20 years, the AWA deal could be considered nothing less than a steal.

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The latest statement in “green” technology is without doubt hybrid automobiles. However, even hybrid automobiles still require burning large amounts of fossil fuels, regardless of how advanced the fuel efficiency is. Trey Kaitens, an expert in energy consumption, psychology and rare stamp appraising, has some startling news about the fuel consumption of hybrid drivers. It isn’t pretty like Max Power’s new dress.

“The majority of hybrid drivers actually use the same amount of gasoline, even with higher standards in fuel efficiency,” Trey told us, which didn’t make much sense. Sure, if you compare the fuel efficiency of a Toyota Corolla to a Chevy Silverado Hybrid, the Corolla has the upper hand. However, how could hybrid drivers on average use more gasoline than non-hybrid drivers? Trey explained, “It’s based upon the notion that driving a hybrid feels ’safer’ as far as the environment is concerned.”

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Why are people still sending us hate mail telling us Macs are better than PCs? I’m back to beat the dead horse with three MORE reasons why Macs suck. As Macs have slowly infiltrated my place of residence, clogging the intranet tubes like Steve Job’s pubic hair in the sink, I’ve become pissed beyond belief. I think Macs suck hard and here are more reasons to not buy one and avoid them at all costs.

You still can’t run Windows Millennium XP on Mac hardware, or any other awesome Microsoft products. Apple hasn’t put out a good operating system since Apple DOS 3.3 and that’s a fact. In an age where I can run Windows Millennium XP alongside Windows 95, why can’t I dual boot yet on a Mac? It is because the snobby, pretentious marketing department at Apple realizes Mac OS 9 will never live up to any Microsoft products. It doesn’t even have Notepad! What kind of operating system doesn’t have that? If I didn’t need notepad, I would run a Linux.

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I am pleased to announce Blue Damage has received a shiny, coveted gadget symbolizing a higher status in the tech community. Yes, it’s an advanced copy of the Apple iPhone. I was able to get my muculent mitts around this cellular device several months in advance. A Mac employee wanting to remain anonymous is a friend of the family. Don’t worry though; it won’t affect our bias at all. In fact, we think the iPhone sucks. Hard. These reasons should give you the right to smack anyone in the face calling the iPhone revolutionary, the end all of mobile computing or the greatest thing since Full House. We liked Full House a lot, especially Dave Coulier. Saying that is almost disrespectful. On to the review, here are a few reasons why the Apple iPhone sucks the proverbial big one.

Right off the bat you realize the iPhone doesn’t come with buttons! Why would they release something without such a modernized convenience? How can you even control it? I’ve tried using wireless bluetooth keyboards, a P2 Dell laptop with Firewire 800, even a cat. How about a got damn slide out keyboard? Nothing. We finally figured out how to control the iPhone. If you use a knife, or some sort of jagged object, you can get the phone to respond to touch commands. However, this left lacerations all over the surface of the phone. They wouldn’t even buff out with a brillo pad! I figured they would have made these things rugged. Not a good start here.

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“Ok, I’ll admit,” Secret Galactic Overlord Zurbox claimed, “Using recovered alien technology reverse engineered into voting machines doesn’t seem like such a good idea anymore.” It pulled up his gamma-trousers, adjusted its omni-cod-piece, and continued.

“It all started as a search for a cost efficient alternative to mind control. Brain washing the masses is a very subtle and costly process. I thought that we could cut out the middle man, you know humanity itself and go straight to controlling the voting machines…” The monster waited a predetermined moment to survey the effect its speech was having. The confused and hostile human faces staring back were disconcerting it. “Time for Zorbox to pour on the old Galgapootin charm,” Zorbox thought to itself in the third person. (Oh, didn’t I mention it was from Galgapoot? It’s not really important as this is the only time it comes up.)

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Steve Ballmer hinted today that Vista might be delayed EVEN MORE. Everyone in the IT industry and their mother has been talking about Microsoft pushing the release date back on Vista for nearly a year now. But what exactly are the reasons for this delay, besides Bill Gates obsession with quality? Microsoft has promised so many features that won’t even be included in this release, so, what are we waiting for? We consulted with an industry expert (in the shoe industry but, whatever) about why Microsoft is metaphorically blue balled.

“You are going to be very excited when I tell you this,” John Lavenstein said in an almost mocking tone. “A new version Microsoft Bob will be shipped with Windows Vista. THAT is the reason for the delay.”

A new version of Microsoft Bob? Well, what does that mean for people that weren’t a complete nerd 10 years ago? *Cue cheesy explanation music*

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We received this email message today and were SHOCKED at the things that could happen if you get the computer virus. Below is the email.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internets. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR. Be sure to also destroy your modem, router, mouse, keyboard and any household pets that you own. EVEN PUPPIES. Wash your hands with bleach LIBERALLY after handling said computer.

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