It must suck to be a rat, knowing that they are basically a bushy tail away from being hand fed delicious treats in the park by fat people. After years of being treated like a diseased rodent, one rat decided to take things in his own hands. Well, actually, they aren't really hands because rats lack the opposable thumb. In any case, Ronald Edwards, a 15 month old rat has undergone surgery to replace his skinny tail synonymous with rats for the bushy life.
In a shocking move [not shocker], Paris Hilton came clean today and announced a heartfelt apology for her overall skankiness. In front of the Hilton headquarters, she made her revelation in front of a large group of awestruck new reporters. Luckily, Blue Damage was able to meet up with Paris after her speech to get a closer idea of what went wrong with acting like a slut and degrading our human race.
Steve Widdle, former front man for the hardcore emo band "Forgive All the Blood," died last week of undisclosed causes. Authorities would not release any information regarding his death. However, our team of investigators have found evidence that this wasn't related to disease, badgers or even an accident; it was caused by being too Emo. We interviewed a couple of his close friends to find out more.
"At first, it was just a little bit of Dashboard Confessional here and there," says his best friend / bassist Tom Ronalds. "You know, he was just about the music and having fun." Tom told us that things quickly got out of hand right before his eyes.
As Michael Richards effortlessly slips into his size 31 pants that he purchased at the pants store, he begins to feel the depression and agitation. "I miss being a fat ass," he murmurs. Michael, fresh off the Atkins diet, lost over 100+ pounds in the last year. Although he should feel excited and proud of his accomplishment, he still can't seem to shake off the respectable feeling of being obese.
Why do people keep sending us hate mail telling us that Macs are better than PCs? They definitely aren't. We have done plenty of research on the subject and have come up with three main reasons why you should never use or buy a Mac. These reasons alone give you permission to kick anyone in the face that uses one. Or tar and feather them. Whichever you feel is appropriate for the situation.
Reason number one is the fact that Macs can't view pictures, be it a jpg, gif or png file. Most people who use a computer would like to view pictures. I know most of the staff here does. We view pictures all the time. This is one of the most important parts of the computer, besides Minesweeper. How can you view pictures on a Mac when they don't have any programs! Where is MS Paint? Where is ACDSee? These programs are not available, thus, you can not view any pictures on a Mac.
Scientists always have been very intrigued by Titan, the only moon in our entire solar system with an atmosphere of it's own. Clouds in Titan's atmosphere has kept the surface a secret until now. The first color picture from the surface of Saturn's moon was sent back to the European Space Agency's (ESA) Huygens probe a couple days ago. Surprising scientists across the globe, Titan's surface is possibly made out of Viagra. The surface is muddled with small rocks protruding out into the atmosphere.
"We think these stumpy rocks erected from the surface could be made of Super Viagra," said Titan scientist Richard Ishard. "The dark seas of liquid are still a mystery, however. Some are speculating that, instead of methane liquid, it could be some sort of weird, amphibious Viagra lizards living on the surface." This discovery is being received with warm applause and open arms from older men with no blood flow in the lower regions. Mike Shal, a man with erectile dysfunction, is very excited. "I have no idea what this means for me, but, I'm very excited," shouted Mike. Pfizer refused to comment on the findings, but, some sources say they are developing a spaceship to fly to Titan where they can mine Viagra and set up the company headquaters. Still no cure for cancer.
A group of hardworking monkeys, known for their tendency to work around the clock, began a strike against their employer earlier this week. Bobo Baggins, spokesperson for the strike, told us that it would be permanent unless all demands were met. He may look happy in the picture, however, he assured us that he is dying a little on the inside everyday he goes to work. "Look, we work around the clock and it's quite tiring," said Bobo. "They don't let us give any creative input at work, we are only allowed to write what we are told or else we get teh whip. I can't believe people actually watch this garbage. When a show has low ratings, we get blamed for it! Let's blame it on the monkeys again! Why should we put up with this?" Bobo told us as he lit a cigarette.
"We want more god damn bananas too, is that too difficult? Christ, I love bananas, and so do my fellow workers. It's not just stereotype, it's for real," Bobo pleaded. "Our working conditions are definitely not desirable either. We have to work in office cubes, or as monkeys call them, people farms. How about a tree or two for us? We would probably be more productive when able to work in a habitat that we are used to. Also, what happened to the monkey prostitutes that we used to get on the 1st of the month?" Bobo frowned as he took another deep drag in his cigarette.
While these demands may see quite unrealistic, these monkeys deserve better working conditions because they make up for the incompetency of humans at Fox Broadcasting. The monkeys are quite worried that Fox will call their bluff and begin to outsource to other monkeys around the globe. Or they might just get teh whip. We recommended to them to work for PBS instead; their benefits package for monkeys is highly respected in the monkey community.
LOL. LMAO. ROTFL. All common expressions to convey laughter over the internet. We've grown to love them. We use them a lot. What happens when people stop using these acronyms in the correct context? Sarah Bennett, internet surfer, admitted yesterday to a survey that she doesn't actually laugh when typing LOL. "I never really found anything on the internet that funny... or at least worth laughing out loud over," Sarah confided. "It's definitely an over exaggeration on my part. When I type ROTFLMAO, at best I chuckle just a little. LOL to me is more like a heh," she told us.
