With his opposition to stem cell research, Bush has killed Superman. That’s right, Christopher Reeves is dead because George Bush is against stem cell research. Not only will his opposition put us years behind the world in terms of medical technology, but it will also kill many other superheroes with life threatening physical conditions in the process.

Vartox, extraterrestrial of the planet Valeron, was at first an enemy of Superman. “I haven’t been on Earth for quite some time, but, I was shocked to hear the news,” said Vartox. “Would Bush wake up already? Stem cell research is the future of medicine.” Lex Luthor, long time enemy of Superman was happy with the news. “I couldn’t have asked for a greater gift from my good friend George,” salivates Lex. “I think I want to form some sort of coalition of evil in the following months with him.”

While interviewing Lex, he was killing newborn kittens and eating them… just for fun. His giant poster of George Bush eerily gazed down at us. Lex asked us to stay a bit cause Dick Cheney was coming by to hang out and kill puppies like the one above. He also talked about accidentally shooting “liberal” lawyers like Harry Whittington, a ironic way to feed the gun control nuts so they don’t pay attention to the widespread corruption in both parties. We decided it was time to go.

Authorities were shocked today when they finally located and arrested a young boy by the name of Frederick Murdong who was residing in Tampa, Florida. Frederick was accused of murdering Doc Phillips, a neighbor of a openly different faith (Mormon). Sheriff Bob Wilson told us, “Apparently, Frederick had killed Doc over religious differences. This is the first time we have actually heard of such a case involving killing and religion.” Alarming indeed. Where religion was once a thing to bring different cultures together in harmony, it is sad to see people now killing over such a thing.

Frederick, an avid catholic, was known for his suspicious behavior. After struggling with alcholism and a terrible crystal meth addiction for over 30 years, he finally began to believe in God. “He was such a good person, I don’t see why he would just snap like this,” said his wife Barbara. “I mean, couldn’t he have killed a Jehovah’s Witness instead?” While it is quite surprising that someone would kill in the name of religion, we can only hope that this trend won’t continue.

Have any of you viewed the latest presidential debate? It seems that you can never really get a straight answer about who really won. Let’s face it, the reviews of these debates are quite slanted and biased. Here’s a quick rundown of what really happened during the debates, courtesy of Distracted on the Blue Distortion Forums. Here is the original thread.

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Part of the Blue Distortion team pointed out to me last night to check out a new song entitled “911 is a Joke” by Public Enemy. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as our correspondent was relaying the song title… 911 is a joke? Public Enemy has made another enemy in the process of putting out this terrible song. How dare Chuck D call what happened on 9/11 a joke. It was one of the most horrific terrorists attacks to ever happen on American soil. To think I once considered Chuck D a great MC.

A quote from the lyrics “So get up get, get get down / 911 is a joke in yo town,” says it all. I hate to tell you Chuck, but 9/11 was not a joke in my town! I certainly won’t be getting up to get down to celebrate something like this. FYI: many people didn’t find these terrorist attacks funny at all, more along the lines of a national tragedy. “I call a cab ’cause a cab will come quicker / The doctors huddle up and call a flea flicker,” is another infamous line from this song. I don’t know what he is trying to say here because I have a hard time understanding black culture, but I’m sure it is terrorist lingo.

Linguistics experts around the world today have noticed a disturbing trend. Blue Damage caught up with an expert Dennis Noblewood for more information on the problem. “It’s quite shocking. There are so many meanings to the acronym AP. It’s just beginning to get ridiculous.” AP can stand for many things, including, but not limited to: admiralty pattern, all politics, acellular pertussis, accuracy problem, advanced placement, access point, artist proof, and attitude and persistence, just to name a few. When searching for more words, our team of investigators became overwhelmed, melting under the pressure of truthful journalism. A few people are even beginning to use it for words that don’t even have 2 letters to begin with such as armed forces pacific or anteroposterior.

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A new product from the Kameo Corporation was just released in Japan. It consists of a headless torso and a stuffed arm that “holds” the lonely sleeper. It is called the Boyfriend’s Arm Pillow, and it’s quite the interesting idea. We interviewed a few Japanese people that have used the product. Here were their responses.

Chikuma Akera, age 26, found it to be quite a frightening experience. “Sometimes, when I’m half asleep, the hand caresses my arm. At first, it was emotionally satisfying, but it’s starting to get quite uncomfortable,” said Chikuma nervously. Jun Tansho, age 32, said she was very impressed with the product. “It’s just satisfying to know that I can sleep well at night and feel secure in the process,” she stated. “The pillow can get quite frisky too, gently rubbing my nipples while I read or watch TV. I really haven’t gone all the way with it or anything yet!” Jun tells us followed by a hearty laugh. “It’s kind of sexy… like the wind,” she said seductively.

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Are you familiar with Bollywood, even if only through Amon Tobin’s sound manipulation on Out from Outwhere [how's that for a ludicrously obscure reference]? Well, you may know the name Aishwarya Rai. Earlier this week, news was released that the former Miss World had possibly been cloned somewhere at a secret facility in London. Rumors spread about the town quickly. The gossip became bizarre. People suggested everything from Aishwarya had been cloned and fused together with a spawn of Michael Jackson to her having her arms surgically removed and replaced by tentacles with razor sharp armor capable of cutting through a human sternum.

Today, all false statements subsided as Aishwarya Rai took part in a shocking photo shoot with her clone. Some are saying it is somewhat of an outlandish thing to do. “What if the clone tries to steal the spotlight, Aishwarya? What will you do then?!” a concerned Indian citizen said. Rai is now working on the film Pride and Prejudice which is being marketed like a worldwide blockbuster. If successful, she will be the first Indian Star to breakthrough to Bollywood’s ugly and evil step sister, Hollywood. Hopefully, the real Aishwarya will get the credit.

I have recently been informed that this blog needs more cowbell. It got me thinking and I have come to a realization. Not only does this blog need more cowbell, but my life is missing it too. Therefore, I have decided to take a cowbell wherever I go and bang on it relentlessly.

When people tell me to stop or else I’ll “get fired” or “get my ass beat,” I’ll look at them straight in the eye hypnotically and say, “You need more cowbell.” Maybe then they will begin to understand the deeper meaning and internal struggle of the cowbell and the extravagant statement I’m making by banging on it everywhere I go. Well, I can only hope. I know that some people will not see the brilliance in it, and it’s not those people that concern me. The ones with a fever are way more important. They need to realize immediately, that the only prescription is more cowbell. *bangs on cowbell*

Check Bin Laden Calls for More Cowbell and Too Much Cowbell? for more cowbell propaganda.