Yeah, so, um… the boycott of Hurricane Jeanne didn’t go over so well. All of the protesting didn’t work and Jeanne owned Florida pretty bad in the same fashion of Frances. After Ivan, I was submerged into the false sense of security that we infact do have control over hurricanes. Well, my friends, we don’t have control over hurricanes. They are very powerful and we won’t be telling them where to go… they tell us where to go. They will go where ever the hell they please.

With a teary eye and some whiny emo music playing in the background (for my tortured soul), I am announcing my withdraw from leadership of the hurricane boycotts. I have given it plenty of thought. Hell, there isn’t much to do without electricity except for some deep thinking. I’ll just have to sit back and deal with these hurricanes until the season is over, just like everyone else.

Well, I have good news. All the boycotting from Hurricane Ivan worked! People doubted me, sent me hate mail, stole my shrubbery, threw tomatoes at my house and, above all, tried to deflate our resolve. After all of this, our plans of boycotting Ivan worked. We didn’t prepare and over 300 people gathered on the beaches of St. Petersburg, Florida and protested the storm. While it was quite scary, as you can see, Ivan passed us right by only to hit the Florida Panhandle. Let me apologize to the people that received damage from Ivan; we had no idea that we had so much power in determining the path of the storm.

Now it’s Jeanne that want to threaten us with it’s strong, yet mysteriously sexy winds and heavy rain. The devastation will stop here. We are going to boycott this storm as well. I haven’t prepared one bit and don’t plan on doing so. If you would like to join our protest, check the latest hurricane predictions and meet us where the eye will be directly hitting the east of Florida. Our resolve must be strong and diligent! We did not take any shit from Ivan and we will take the same approach for Jeanne! Join us, this is a call to arms!

Recently, on the forums, we have been debating whether or not we would be able to survive a zombie attack. How long do you think you would survive? What would be your weapon of choice? What would you do if you were infected? Here is my reply.

My ideal weapon for slaying / slowing down zombies would be an aluminum baseball bat. That way, when the zombies step, they’ll get a nice smack to the head. I’ll swing the bat so hard, the zombie’s head will explode on contact. The main thing that you would have to watch out for is people that say they aren’t infected, so you trust them, and then they try to bite you a few hours later.

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That’s right, CBS has to pay half of a million dollars ($550,000 to be exact) for their “wardrobe malfunction” during the superbowl. I’m sure it shocked and offended SO many people. After all, who would want their innocent children to see such outlandish and disgraceful things on television. I’m so outraged as well! I couldn’t stop talking about it for months after it happened.

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Oh man, this is great! I’m supposed to keep this confidential per our email conversation, but, I’m way too excited to do that! I received an email from a Mr. Samuel Kouame earlier today. Basically, his father was a very wealthy gold merchant in Accra. He was recently killed during a business trip with his associates (those back stabbers). Luckily, before he actually died, he called my correspondent, Mr. Kouame, and let him know of $7.5 Million and 40 kg of gold that he had in a secret bank account for him!

This is where I come in. I will get at least $1.5 Million dollars of this just for letting Mr. Samuel Kouame use my bank account to transfer the money! That is basically all I have to do. I just forwarded Mr. Samuel Kouame my bank account number with pin number, my social security number and a copy of my license and birth certificate just to make sure that everything goes along without a hitch. Thank god for the internet. I would have never received such a great opportunity!

Note: This is a joke and if you receive an email like this, it is a scam.

Tom is your average teenager. He works long hours at the local grocery, attends high school, and parties regularly. Recently, Tom has discovered how tired he has been lately. He strenuously pushes himself everyday to find time for everything. One night Tom attends a party; he notices everyone is taking pills. Being an adventurous person, he approaches one of his friends for the pill. He ends up taking two doses of the horrendous drug. After an hour, Tom becomes eccentric, happy-go-lucky, and has developed a lot of energy. Half of the people at the party have taken this pill. They did not take ecstasy, acid or even muscle relaxers. They are not smoking pot, crack, or huffing Glade; they are consuming the latest drug on the market. The kids are calling it “The Big G.” The cool kinds in school are taking, using, and abusing it to no end. Tom took 200mg of the latest stuff, Panax pseudoginseng, or better know to the public as Ginseng.

People are always looking for the newest pick-me-up, whether it is coffee, caffeine pills, or even crack/cocaine. The general population of America is now consuming herbs at an alarming rate. Herbs are defined as any plant or plant part that has medical properties. Herb usage has skyrocketed in the last few years; all over America people are taking it for recreational and experimental use. Some commonly found herbs in consumption today are Ginseng and Ginkgo.

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I have been very tired lately, especially today, running on 2 hours of sleep. I’m sure that I am not the only one that gets tired. Making such a statement would be irresponsible and quite ridiculous. We need a remedy for this, and quickly. Wait, here comes another brilliant idea brought to you by Blue Damage! How about “Sleep in a Bottle.” Yes!

For each pill that you will take, it is equivalent to 8 hours of sleep. I’m not talking about caffeine pills. I mean the real deal sleep that we need for our bodies to function. Think about how much more we would accomplish without sleep. The economy would be better, people would probably be nicer and more productive and, most importantly, I wouldn’t be tired.

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Student A has a major dilemma. It is almost 10:30 p.m. and he hasn’t even started his report for english class. The report is due tomorrow and is worth 20% of his final grade. He recalls writing a very good paper about Flamingos in high school, the same subject that he must do his research paper on. He frantically searched for the paper, fumbling through folders and drawers till approximately 2:37 a.m. He then realizes it is hopeless. He has been searching for hours. Exhausted, he finally gives up. He has no report to turn in the next day, and subsequently fails his class. Due to the failure of the class, he loses his scholarship. Since student A can’t afford college, he drops out. He spends the rest of his life living with his parents, eating Frosted Flakes every morning, and watching reruns of Full House every night.

Student B has the same problem. Student B is in the same class as student A. The topic of student B’s report is duck-billed platypuses. It is getting pretty late, and she has not started her report either. Student B remembers the A+ paper that she wrote in 11th grade, which was on duck-billed platypuses. Excited, she jumps on her computer and loads a magical program by the name of Instafind. She quickly types in the description of the paper, and another screen loads automatically. This screen shows the exact location of the paper. She runs to the garage, pulls out a box, digs to the bottom… BA-ZING! Her paper was in that box! She types it up on her computer, prints it out, and is in bed by 11:30. Student B gets another A+ for this paper and is able to keep her scholarship. She passes the class, graduates from college, and receives a job from a very respectable company.

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