Steve Ballmer hinted today that Vista might be delayed EVEN MORE. Everyone in the IT industry and their mother has been talking about Microsoft pushing the release date back on Vista for nearly a year now. But what exactly are the reasons for this delay, besides Bill Gates obsession with quality? Microsoft has promised so many features that won’t even be included in this release, so, what are we waiting for? We consulted with an industry expert (in the shoe industry but, whatever) about why Microsoft is metaphorically blue balled.

“You are going to be very excited when I tell you this,” John Lavenstein said in an almost mocking tone. “A new version Microsoft Bob will be shipped with Windows Vista. THAT is the reason for the delay.”

A new version of Microsoft Bob? Well, what does that mean for people that weren’t a complete nerd 10 years ago? *Cue cheesy explanation music*

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We received this email message today and were SHOCKED at the things that could happen if you get the computer virus. Below is the email.

There is a computer virus that is being sent across the Internets. If you receive an e-mail message with the subject line “REQUEST FOR URGENT BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP,” DO NOT read the message. DELETE it immediately, UNPLUG your computer, then BURN IT to ASHES in a government-approved toxic waste disposal INCINERATOR. Be sure to also destroy your modem, router, mouse, keyboard and any household pets that you own. EVEN PUPPIES. Wash your hands with bleach LIBERALLY after handling said computer.

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When something or someone upsets me I tend to release my angry blood by writing a scathing satire. I unleash a lampoon so pretentious, so crass and so inane that no one in their right mind will understand or appreciate it. The following will be no exception.

But it could have been, oh sweet, slim and sassy Jesus it could have been. I was going to try to be a little more sympathetic with my slander, a bit more likeable with my libel, but that was not to be my destiny. It seems to me that we are all pushed onto certain paths in life for a reason. It’s our responsibility as self-actualized adults to be true to ourselves and follow that path. That’s why I really don’t have a choice in what I’m about to do.

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We have been receiving some really scary chain letters, so, I thought I’d post them. We can’t figure out if they are real or not, but, they should be taken seriously because we received them on myspace as a bulletin which is official.

Entitled: A scary way to break up.

****I dont believe this, but i got chill bumps …….

A SCARY WAY TO BREAK UP!!!!! DO NOT stop reading this or something bad will happen!!!!!!!!

One day, Sarah was walking home from school when her boyfriend drove by and honked at her to get in. She got in his car and he drove her to the lake. Her boyfriend said he was going to tell her something very important.

Sarah could have sworn he was going to propose. However, he flicked her off, pushed her in the lake and yelled, “I am breaking up with you, you awful …….!! I hate you and I think that maybe you should just end your ………….. life! DUMB ………………..!!!”

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We recieved this email complaint yesterday from a Sir Ludwig Van Hutten. One can only assume that it should be read with a thick British accent.

Dear Sir:

I’m am writing about the subtle homophobic tone that Blue Damage has taken, especially since Max Power has started writing for the publication. Chaps that take issue with homosexuality scare me. What are they afraid of? What’s wrong with being bent as a bottle of chips?

Normally, those more prone to accept the gay population will say, “I have no problem with gay people, as long as they don’t hit on me.” Or, something along the lines of, “As long as we don’t have any social interaction, we won’t have a problem.” Backs to the wall right? These people get mad as a box of frogs! I take offense to this, I have friends that are homosexual!

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At our noon meeting, the editor here at Blue Damage, my boss, pulled me aside to his office. “Great!” I thought, “How many times do I have to suck this guy off before I get my wife’s severed foot back?” But it had absolutely nothing to do with that, it was about an interview for me to do with a famous white supremacist author. This man has evidently splintered off from the main stream hatred and is creating a fresh new movement for other, similar minded Aryan assholes to get behind.

Now I admit, I had a bunch of preconceived notions of white toothless hicks, banjo music, belly butting fingering, and anal sodomy. But my editor assured me, they have a great dental plan. Today’s hate filled mountain folk are much more sophisticated than their earlier predecessors. They have made use of all sorts of modern amenities including the tooth brush and racist robot sentry droids, capable of identifying ethnic intruders then acting loud and ignorant until the trespasser leaves in disgust. I, being well educated and therefore very white, was granted admittance to meet their leader.

Chris Crossburner is an incredibly well spoken inbred hick. He is middle aged, perhaps 45, has balding strawberry blond hair, cut in the traditional mullet, and is very physically imposing due to him being a 9 foot tall mongoloid cyborg, trained in the deadly arts of Ninjitsu and hate speech. We sat down on the porch for a spot of tea.

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It is safe to say that George Bush is going to have another bad year. Not only has his prostate swollen up like a grapefruit recently, but, today the former FEMA chief Michael Brown testified before a Senate committee. Michael spoke about how the government was very slow to act and he shouldn’t have been solely blamed for the terrible response to the tragedy.

While FEMA was directly responsible for emergency management, hence the name Federal Emergency Management Agency, failures by the federal government and Homeland Security didn’t help at all either. George Bush, who spent most of the week after the hurricane hit playing golf and pushing his social security initiative, quickly responded to allegations of federal failures by Michael Brown with a new, fictitious character know as an Elfkin.

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The recent appalling failures in national security outlined by the 9/11 Commission’s report were found not to be due to obvious Executive, Legislative, and Judicial impotence. Rather on purpose, in an asinine attempt to stem the ever escalating violence.

Michael Chertoff comments to the media while throwing rocks from atop his heavily fortified, bullet proof glass house, “If we bring our A-game, then so will the terrorists, this will result in more and more devious plots against our innocent virgin lands. You see, we’ve learned a lot of lessons from the Cold War’s arms race, so now we are doing the opposite. If we seem lazy and lax about the way we work, it’s all by my grand design!”

Who’s Michael Chertoff? Yeah, he became the Secretary of Homeland Security after Tom Ridge evolved into pure energy about a year ago (hail Satan). Any way he had some more, very alliterative, things to say.

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