Teen Suicide Helps our Proud Nation
After being continuously baffled by the growing threat of Al Queda and the war in Iraq, United States Anti-terrorism and Defense leaders developed a new, long-term, plan to set apart the destruction of the Arab cultures as we now know them. The idea surfaced after numerous soldiers reported Bon Jovi and Pat Benatar music blaring, along with Z Cavariccies, Jams, and slap bracelets seen all through out the Arab Street. That’s when their plan came together, just like a sadistic jig-saw puzzle next-day-ground delivered, from the 9th plane of hell.
If Arab culture mimics American culture 20 years in the past, knowing this, we can now control how they will behave in the future. The idea being, if suicide were made to be a popular trend in today’s Hollywood, by around 2025 all the Arabs in the world will be dead, and without that pesky Manifest Destiny / power hungry stigma we have going on now. The Country plans to leap into action with this one, there are no official names as of yet but keep a look out for your favorite Hollywood personalities to be extinguishing themselves in a variety of ways that might be available to the common Arab 20 years from now.
The new wireless standard, 802.11n, is going to revolutionize the speed in which you get brain cancer. 802.11n is actually multiple waves of 802.11g, which was the previous standard. By using a 802.11n wireless router and reciever, you can transfer data on multiple lines at once! This can only mean one thing besides faster internets. This new standard will allow people to get brain cancer up to 2 to 3 times as efficiently! Wow!

Lions head coach, Steve Mariucci, was fired recently. Not for being a bad Football coach, and therefore less of a man, but for being a Muggle. The non-magical coach was hired by the Ford Family back in 2003 and has since achieved a less than stellar record of 15-28 with the club. This lack of production, or excess of “teh suck”, has been accredited to the club’s lack of athletic talent, and ownership only wanting to pay migrant wages to all their players. The real crux of the problem however, is the simple fact that Mariucci is a Muggle. 
