After being continuously baffled by the growing threat of Al Queda and the war in Iraq, United States Anti-terrorism and Defense leaders developed a new, long-term, plan to set apart the destruction of the Arab cultures as we now know them. The idea surfaced after numerous soldiers reported Bon Jovi and Pat Benatar music blaring, along with Z Cavariccies, Jams, and slap bracelets seen all through out the Arab Street. That’s when their plan came together, just like a sadistic jig-saw puzzle next-day-ground delivered, from the 9th plane of hell.

If Arab culture mimics American culture 20 years in the past, knowing this, we can now control how they will behave in the future. The idea being, if suicide were made to be a popular trend in today’s Hollywood, by around 2025 all the Arabs in the world will be dead, and without that pesky Manifest Destiny / power hungry stigma we have going on now. The Country plans to leap into action with this one, there are no official names as of yet but keep a look out for your favorite Hollywood personalities to be extinguishing themselves in a variety of ways that might be available to the common Arab 20 years from now.

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The new wireless standard, 802.11n, is going to revolutionize the speed in which you get brain cancer. 802.11n is actually multiple waves of 802.11g, which was the previous standard. By using a 802.11n wireless router and reciever, you can transfer data on multiple lines at once! This can only mean one thing besides faster internets. This new standard will allow people to get brain cancer up to 2 to 3 times as efficiently! Wow!

Our undercover investigators were able to uncover some interesting details about this new wireless standard. Apparently, The American Academy of Neurology, sick of being overshadowed by the evil of the government, is behind the new wireless “cancer beams.” “It is secretly guaranting them many, many more years of patients,” an anonymous optometrist told us. Optometrists are well known for their hatred of neurologists and anti-neurology propaganda. It was also rumored that these new 802.11n routers were tested on new born kittens. None survived.

For three very wet and slimy months, our staff Sex-o-chiatrist, Max Power, has been pulling double duty as a war correspondent embedded with the Marines. He was with a pod of covert, marine, placental mammals, known simply as whales to you common folk, that have been performing various hit and run style operations against their human oppressors. They do this not only disrupt vital human war operations, but to show everyone that they have some balls too. Of course the end result was that they breached the surface, cleared their blow holes, and provided some excellent photo opportunities to the various whale watching boats in the vicinity. (Visit Chukchi Bay Alaska, You’ll Have A Whale Of A Wonderful Time!)

Perhaps it is the seeming ineptitude of their struggle that led to the next shocking twist. Perhaps it is the fact that most humans are, still very much unaware that they’ve hurt the whales feelings, and killed them, quite so badly. But in no short time Max Power was granted an interview with a Sergeant McHumpy, a whale with a difference. He is a whale who, in exchange for his protection, is willing betray his kin by revealing the quadruple-secret location of the final whale city.

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The secret liberal’s War on Christmas has taken a very twisted turn; and it doesn’t involve candy canes. Richard Smith, a professional baker and lover of fine wine, died earlier today at the hands of a unnamed man being held in custody. We have confirmed with local authorities that this was the result of a “Happy Holidays” wish to a devout Christmas enthusiast.

“I saw the whole thing,” said Todd, an ‘innocent bystander.’ “Richard paid for his wine and wished the guy a happy holiday. The cashier became infuriated and followed Richard out. I turned around and right before my eyes, I watched the street run red AND green. Well, the street was already green because someone dropped some green wrapping paper right around the scene of the murder. How’s that for ironic?”

According to police records, this is the first offense for the unnamed man. “You just don’t know anymore,” said Sheriff Bob Horne. “I don’t even wish people a Happy Holiday or a Merry Christmas for the fear of being persecuted or ridiculed. How am I supposed to know what religion someone is or if they will get offended? Maybe we should start wearing a patch that signifies our religion, it would make things a LOT easier,” he said.

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Deep within the Midwest, several Intelligent Design “experts” have formed a lobbyist group. A coalition of the willing. They haven’t come up with a name yet because it’s very brand new. Representative from this very brand new group, Tom Watts, had the following to say.

“Look at it like this, science is a religion,” Tom confided. “People don’t really know that though. Unlike the fact based Intelligent Design, Evolution is a theory surrounded with more plot holes than that last episode of Star Wars I, which I boycotted because of the anti-Christian undertones in the film. I mean, have you seen these What Would Jedis Do bracelets? Ridiculous! What I’m trying to get at is, why should science receive government funding if it’s a religion? Our group is against special treatment and these so called “grants” that scientists get for mucking around with wizardry and alchemy. Where do they get the nerve?”

It’s a perplexing scenario indeed. “He has an interesting point. Rarely do I asks the question, what has science done for us lately?” President Bush told us in a rare telephone interview. “And why do these experts get to walk around blabbering on about things like the environment. And this “Gravity.” People should be exposed to different ideas about the beginning of life,” he smiled as he gave us a UFIA.

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A hip new trend is rapidly growing through America’s cool young religious circles these days called Faith Base Jumping. It is a solo competition event where the pious athletes throw themselves off of a cliff or tall building and while plummeting to the earth below they pray their ass off in the hope that Jesus himself will whisk them away to safety. Winners are decided by the competitor’s ability to beat the clock and reason.

One prospective jumper was overheard saying, “Those other guys are evangelical idiots. They think faith alone will trick Jesus into catching them. Not us Catholics, we’ll have faith in him to build us some parachutes or something, you know, because he was a carpenter, but we know we’ll still have to do some of the work to be saved.” He was later heard to say, “Weee, SPLAT!” Thus adding yet another subtle layer of confusion to the classic christian argument of faith alone VS. faith and good works.

Neither the one, nor the three Christian gods were available for comment, but due to the eerie similarity that Faith Base Jumping has with one of Satan’s temptations of Christ, we here at Blue Damage believe it to be frowned upon.

Lions head coach, Steve Mariucci, was fired recently. Not for being a bad Football coach, and therefore less of a man, but for being a Muggle. The non-magical coach was hired by the Ford Family back in 2003 and has since achieved a less than stellar record of 15-28 with the club. This lack of production, or excess of “teh suck”, has been accredited to the club’s lack of athletic talent, and ownership only wanting to pay migrant wages to all their players. The real crux of the problem however, is the simple fact that Mariucci is a Muggle.

“In today’s wonderful world of magical men and wonderfully wizened wizards, like Mike Vick, Terry Bradshaw and Roger Staubach, a Muggle coach is simply a liability.” Lion’s owner William Clay Ford continues, “What’s the purpose of having a game plan if it doesn’t include petrifying opposing players, turning them into ferrets, or setting them on fire? Oh, how about turning them into ferrets AND setting them on fire? Daddy was wrong about me, I am a freaking genius! It’s good to be a Ford, I’m rich, white, and brilliant. What could possibly happen to me?” Then he got cancer and died, moving on.

After watching the new film Harry Potter and the Gobstopper of Fire, and attending a weekend retreat at Griffendor’s school for fairies, The NFL’s competition committee decided that there needs to be a wizard on every single NFL team, except for the Cardinals, 49ers, and Texans of course. For that is to be, their destiny.