If you’ve ever been on the internet, you probably have or have had a computer virus at some point. That is unless you use a Mac (they can’t access the internet). While the majority of viruses are damaging, extremely annoying and make you want to pound your head repeatedly into a brick wall, every once and a while a virus actually is useful and warranted. OK, this probably the first. Stan Downings, a student at USF, has written a self replicating virus that does some interesting things when users go surfing on the wonderful world wide web.

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Security experts around the world are calling it a terrible idea, but, what do security experts know anyway? The House has already passed the bill and today, the Senate will pass, without debate, the Real ID card. Debate and serious thought are really overrated anyway, especially when it comes to taking away more freedoms from the American people. Politicians sneakily slipped this bill into a request for funding for Iraq, which will obviously be passed without question.

We interviewed Congressman Jim Sensenbrenner, said to be the initiator of this bill, about the potential benefits of the Real ID act and how it will help to fight terrorism. “The Real ID [National ID Card] will aid in protecting this country from the terrorists that could strike at any time. They will also help us in the fight for freedom. The greatest thing about these wonderful Real ID cards is they can also be used as credit cards! We are offering a really low APR for the first 6 months (5%), it’s a great bargain for thrifty spenders that also are scared to death about terrorism,” Congressman Sensenbrenner told us.

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We all knew it was coming, like an itch after tapping questionable ass. Frank Globberton, 47 year old software engineer, is suing a neighbor for a dirty look. “Since I crossed eyes with this monster I just haven’t been the same. I lie around awake at night, I haven’t been productive at work, I can’t eat… The worst is I don’t get a kick out of old reruns of Growing Pains anymore, my favorite show. It’s really changed my life,” Frank told us.

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Tensions mounted yesterday in the White House after rumors spread about a possible love interest between Prince Abdullah of Saudi Arabia and President George W Bush. George Bush didn’t actually deny the gossip either. “I have to say I’ve got a thing for Prince Abdullah. Or, as I like to call him, Fab Ab,” George Bush said earlier today. Prince Abdullah was unavailable for comment.

Our Blue Damage representatives in Texas have confirmed that things are moving quickly. They just might be going steady by the end of the week. “They really do have a lot in common. Besides the whole royalty thing, they are both advocates of misinformation and propaganda, profiting at the expense of the majority of their citizens, in on the whole 9/11 deal etc.” said our correspondent Chris Vatome. “I mean, this relationship really might work.”

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The John Bolton nomination fiasco has been quite entertaining to watch and read about, no doubt. It’s been like watching Godzilla get appointed to Secretary of State. So, should John Bolton be elected as US Ambassador for the UN? “Wait, what about Michael Bolton? I celebrate his entire collection,” you might be saying.

It’s a toss up really. The UN does need to go through reform to curb the inefficiency and corruption, however, why would the UN be efficient and honest when EVERY SINGLE GOVERNMENT IN THE WORLD isn’t? Also, John Bolton has ties with James Baker. Nuff said. That’s why John Bolton’s nomination should be scrapped and replaced with his moustache. Here are the arguments.

First off, moustaches are cool, way cooler than John Bolton. When was the last time you heard of a moustache snapping out and threatening the UN Secretarial Building with a terrorist attack by “lopping off 10 floors?” Moustaches don’t flip out, they are cool and confident at all times due to their awesome nature. The only people that should be able to flip out and still be awesome are ninjas, everyone knows this. John Bolton is an angry man, caused by his ferocious appetite for newborn babies.

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The Executive Branch of the US Government has been in secret talks with the Judicial Branch over a possible merger that could take place within the next few months. CEO of the Executive branch, George Bush, was quoted as saying, “Executive branch… that’s what it is… it’s Executive. Meaning we execute branches… of freedom. I know that it’s been this way for a while… but times are changing and our resolve is strong.”

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Blue Damage will have a new owner starting April 20th 2005. Geraldo Rivera, also known as the moustache man, will become the new host of the site indefinitely on this date. Blue Damage will then be charging $12.99 per membership. We believe it is a “reasonable fee” and people will be happy to pay it. It will also begin to feature advertisements. Nothing too intrusive of course, just a few pop-ups pointing you to seriously awesome poker sites.

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It seems that the more cowbell phenomenon needs to be taken a little more seriously, now more so than ever. Bruce Disraeli, a 23 year old male, was pronounced dead a little before 8 AM this morning. Diagnosis from the doctors? A brain aneurysm. Diagnosis from us? Too much Cowbell.

Phil, who wishes to keep his last name anonymous, spoke to Blue Damage for a bit about his relationship with Bruce. “He really put me through hell, I can’t believe I’m not the one lying there dead,” Phil said. “He would incessantly beat on that damn cowbell all hours of the day. I swear, I almost snapped several times.”

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